the music of the night

even though i am almost destitute as of this writing, i don't think i shall return working to the night.

yes, a picky beggar am i.

i remember the the first time i worked during the night.

it was for a mortgage processing company.
the pay was good. actually, it was better than most call centers.
the hours were good. set banking hours, no shifts. the only changes made were due to daylight savings time.

i remember how lightheaded i would feel the first few weeks.
struggling with 3-5 hours' worth of light and intermittent sleep per day, and compensating the sleep debts on weekend nights.
to help me sleep, i would hit the gym after work. that would be early morning.

i smile as i remember how much anticipation i would have for the gym.
walking into the locker room, catching glimpses of the trainers as they showered and changed.
the gym bought me 2 more hours' worth of light sleep. not the deep sleep i so desperately craved for.

but eventually, i got used to it.
the light sleep, i mean. and my weekends were entirely devoted to sleeping.
i didn't have much of a life. it was work, gym, sleep.
for a while, it was fine.

then i wanted more.
clubbing, eating out, hanging out with friends. those sort of things.
i tried incorporating those into my vampiric life.
i came out more exhausted.

then the company i worked for slowly started going south when the US economy dropped.
a few of us got out before we were asked to leave.
such a shame, really.
the friends we made, the free food we ate, and the free unmonitored internet access we had.
but we all moved on.

and i am 90% certain that i wouldn't want to work at night again.
the other 10% is for the contingency that i might change my mind due to unforeseen circumstances.
pathetic!

lol

spiderwebs

i recently chatted with lp, my friend and ex-officemate.
she had been getting depressed lately, mainly because of her ex.

it's the usual story.

girl (that's her) meets bum (that's him).
girl improves bum's self-esteem, career, and life.
bum becomes boy.
boy professes love to the girl.
girl moves in with boy despite everyone's misgivings.
before they know it, it's been 6 years.
boy's promising career brings him to manila.
girl stays in cebu.
boy meets another girl (let's call her "bitch").
bitch tells boy she's pregnant.
boy breaks up with girl.
girl is devastated.
boy supports bitch all throughout pregnancy and birth.
girl is still hung up on boy.
boy wants girl back.
bitch wants them apart.

lp confided that she had been drinking to numb her pain.
i didn't know what to tell her.
we both know alcoholism isn't the answer.
but it's her temporary solution.
i get her.

i reminded her that it's still her who's going to end up the loser if she keeps this up.
that she's going to end up a wreck if this continues.
that she better move on.
that she's better off without him.
she retorted, "you don't know what it's like."

that stopped me short.

true.
i don't know what it's like to fall deeply in love.
i don't know what it's like to commit your soul to someone else.
i don't know what it's like to be betrayed like that.

what i do know is that i can just be there to listen if she needs me.

and sometimes, it's all we need.

pump it up

an invitation to a bodybuilding contest was not going to be turned down by yours truly.

i arrived early to find the place totally deserted.
i learned i was an hour early - which was better than being an hour late.

minutes later, the crowd was gathering, mostly curious onlookers and bodybuilding enthusiasts.
and of course, the bodybuilders and their families and their supporters.

vic was there. he introduced me to his cousin and his cousin's friend before he left us to get ready for the competition.

the girl beside me started to introduce herself.
and, as usual, i forgot her name quickly, though we got along great. and then i find out she's pregnant, four months.
so that's why she told me she won't be going to the gym anytime soon.

and then the contest started.
hot men came out and started to pose and flex their muscles onstage.
and boy, were they HOT. H-O-T.

but of course, i had my favorites. at least five of them.
i still drool when i think about them.

those strappy posing suits emphasizing their glutes and their packages.
yum.

vic was okay, but he was obviously not in the same class as the others, physically.
they were much more muscular, much more defined.

somewhere in the middle of the presentation of contestants, a tall figure came onstage, and i saw it was mt.
the pregnant girl beside me started to cheer.
it took me a while before it dawned on me.
omg.
she's mt's gf! pregnant!

i wonder if she knew mt got naked with me. naw. don't think so.
mt's eyes traveled over the crowd, then found his gf, clapping.

and that's when mt saw me seated beside her.
our eyes locked and i clapped.
he lost his pose for a second, then quickly recovered and winked at me.
i just had to grin in response.

"hey, so that's your bet?" i just had to ask mt's gf.
"yeah, you know him?"
"oh, i thought he was winking at you."
"yeah, you're probably right."
(lol)

the contest lasted three hours, and mt walked away with a minor prize.
damn he was hot. they were all hot.
can't wait for the next one!

beautiful girls

i truly am in awe of some people's skills, talents, and charms.

first, there's gina. i don't know how he does it, but do guys - his type - flock to him.
military men, security guards, policemen.
is it the naughty-goatee baby-looking appeal?
or maybe it's in his eyes.

second, there's buboy. is it the stare? is it the pout?
ruel, jerome, eagle.
what does he murmur to the men that make them become putty in his hands?
impart your secrets, oh wise one.

lastly, there's b. how he manages to snag his crushes just amazes me. my idol.
eric, john, robin.
is it the seemingly innocent and demure smile?
bottle your charm, b.
i'll buy them by the dozen!

truly, madly, deeply

something i affirmed yet again about myself.

i may be apathetic to some things, but to my friends i'm not.
it's scary when i care.
it's scarily intense.
and intensely scary on the flipside.

i remember how i was the last one standing defending my bff.
she and i, like most of our friends, were so much alike.
opinionated, funny, and brilliant.
or so we'd like to think.
at the time, all her friends were just leaving her in droves.
i stayed by her side.

and then it happened.
i got dropped.
i freaked.
we stopped speaking for a year.
my bff.
all over a guy.

that was years ago.
now i've learned to accept my shortcomings, and know that others have them too.
she's now engaged, and going to marry next year to her fabulous man.

amen.

let's hear it for the boy

i'm not looking for the perfect guy.

the first time i really liked a guy was a good friend of mine.
next was another good friend who happened to be a friend of my first crush.
incestuous! i can just imagine how it would've been.

then there was the first guy.
i was 21. he was 27.
he was almost everything i was looking for.
except he didn't live in cebu.
and i don't believe in long distance relationships.
never have.

he was my first kiss, my first suck, and my first fuck.
i smile as i think about that.

now, back to the present.

so what am i looking for in a guy?

that we're physically attracted to each other.
that i don't scare him.
that he's secure of himself because he knows who he is and where he stands.
that we're open and honest because we have the chemistry.
that we inspire each other to become better persons.
and that through it all, we have enough love, strength, wisdom, and humor to stand by each other.

ladies' choice

can leopards change their spots?
can zebras lose their stripes?
can baboons - oh, you get the idea.

i don't know what's happening with me lately.
i seem to attract the species of the opposite sex.

which would be wonderful if i were a straight man.

short, tall, petite, voluptuous, waifish, rubenesque, fair, olive-skinned, you name it.

am i destined to be a hag's fag?

where are all the men?
and maybe some of the boys?

i don't get my appeal to women.

a pregnant lady told me she found me attractive.

a few girls i've known were surprised to know i like men.

i didn't know i was that subtle. maybe i should start going tranny. but wait, i might get mistaken as a lesbian.

what goes around, comes around

12:48 pm, july 13 2008.

i have too much time to think, and the lack of sleep doesn't help.

soul searching helped me realize something.

that what i had experienced was just the universe telling me that i deserved it.

karma.

i was inconsiderate of others not too long ago. and now it's come back to haunt me.

i immediately knew i had to apologize for my overly dramatic reaction.

and i hope it was received well.

12: 50 pm, july 13 2008.

bitch

9:01 am, july 13 2008.

i think i'm about to get over the whole pissed-off thing.

i hope that it's not just the sleep deprivation thing going on.

still haven't slept a wink.

my head is throbbing. my heart is beating a mile a minute. my eyes are droopy.

my hands and feet are cold. the rest of me is feverish.

i'm drinking strongly brewed coffee.

i hope it helps.

my hands are shaking, my body is vibrating, my breathing is shallow.

probably from exhaustion and caffeine.

i'm clean shaven today.

it's my small way of excorcising everything that happened.

making a new start.

okay, i get it.

people have needs.

there are some things that are bound to be forgotten in the heat of the moment.

and i just happened to become one of them.

no big deal. right?

i think i'll just keep telling myself that until i feel better.

here's hoping.

9:27 am, july 13 2008.

hung up

5:04 am, july 13 2008.

sitting at the curbside of mango square is not the way i intended to spend time.

waiting for someone to arrive from an illicit tryst is no problem for me.

hell, i introduced the two of them.

doesn't matter when they run off to play games.

it becomes a problem when that person does not have any courtesy or consideration to let me go early when clearly, i was just a landing dummy meant to cushion the afterglow of showersex.

i was expecting an earlier arrival to cap off the night.

but no.

instead, upon arrival of the said person from his tryst, i was told to go home.

after waiting for over two hours.

enduring possible theft and curious trannies and widemouthed yawns.

i was pissed off. fuck. i still am pissed off.

then i thought, am i being too selfish here?

isn't the night for him?

am i being too much of a drama queen?

a totally egocentric asshole?

but then again, another thought struck me. aren't we all selfish at the core?

self-preservation is, after all, the name of the game.

why should friends be any different?

just because i waited for nothing, i shouldn't expect a medal for doing so, right?

was it because i expected too much from someone that i ended up getting emotionally hurt?

no, i'm not pissed because i'm cranky from being sleepy and hungry waiting.

i'm pissed because there was no consideration coming to me.

i'm not some groupie, waiting for some rock star to finish fucking just to be told to go home.

god. maybe i am. am i that pathetic?

is there any gay rule when it comes to these kinds of scenarios?

i never should've let my guard down.

the ones who usually hit the hardest are the ones dear to you.

perhaps i should go back to being my former skeptical self, where emotions are rare and should be ignored.

at least i won't feel anything.

i'm pissed.
i'm tired.

maybe i was right all those years. keep people out of your heart.

that way, they'll never have the power to hurt or disappoint you.

and not to expect anything from people at all. most of all your loved ones.

i haven't slept yet.

being pissed off really does give you more energy.

i haven't slept much lately.

i think i sacrificed too much of myself lately.

i hope i'll mend. i know i will.

but the scar will always be there, burning a reminder to myself.

and for this, i am glad.

i always try to look at things for lessons learned.

this is one of the bigger lessons.

5:27 am, july 13 2008.

i wouldn't normally do this kind of thing

this is b's last night during his cebu vacation.

the past days have been filled with many events.

meeting for the first time. hey, he looks just like in the pictures, ma! lol

hanging out with familiar and new friends - and getting a drunken bite mark in the process.

indulging in tranquil and crazy spa experiences.

drinking beer like water. and i don't really like beer. give me vodka anytime!

dancing til dawn.

eating french fries at five in the morning.

and facing the mirror today, i realized one thing: this is how i would look twenty years later.

but the fact is, i wouldn't do that for just anyone.

hope you had a wonderful time, b.

how to save a life

desperate times call for desperate measures.

i, am desperate.

here i am, thinking of sacrificing my health for an almost-guaranteed shifting-schedule night job.

i did great at the interview and all, with a ready offer.

except that i'm an afternoon person.

and i like routine work hours.

if i were a banshee, i would've shrieked my head off already to warn of an impending doom.

yes, it's to warn me.

the job can possibly offer good pay at the risk of poor health.

i like health.

except i am destitute.

i am being such a choosy beggar.

aaargh!

lord, let me win the lotto.

what about now

ugh. more than a week of not checking mails, messages, and men.

and now it's a cascade of blog entries.

a little respect

once upon a time, there were three friends who went to a farm.

their names were ox, bear, and tick.

they were at the farm to enjoy each other's company, as well as view the various wildlife present.

after the three friends had dinner, ox decided to have his fur trimmed.

and so the three went to the farmer's shop nearby where ox would be pruned.

but bear and tick got bored just sitting around waiting for ox, so they decided to walk around the farm.

after bidding ox temporary leave, the two went around looking for new clothes.

bear was in a shopping mood, and since tick was broke, he had to content himself with just looking and trying the freebies.

a loud bellow was heard. it was tick's cell phone.

ox had finished his cut. where were bear and tick?

tick replied, we are at the herd collection.

ox answered, where is that?

tick replied, never mind - we'll go to where the farmer's shop where you are.

when they arrived, there was no sign of ox.

the farmer already had closed shop.

tick got worried and tried to contact ox.

no reply.

bear tried to call ox, but his calls were cancelled.

when bear and tick were tired of worrying and waiting for long, they decided to leave.

and that's when bear received a message from ox, that ox decided to leave because he was tired of waiting for them, and that he needed to take a bath.

that's when tick got ticked off - pun intended.

ox had a history of the attacks of the prima donna. bear and tick were used to it.

tick was the one more exposed to ox's theatrics than bear.

there was the time where ox walked out on tick because a shepherd dog wouldn't allow ox inside a shop with his saddlebag.

there was also the time where ox messaged tick he was depressed and suicidal.

there was the time where ox would make a scene in public.

tick was used to it.

after all, ox frequently made complaints of the littlest things.

he would become a completely different animal with eyes that glared, nostrils that flared, and teeth that bared.

what is wrong with your customer service?
is this how you treat people?
what is wrong with your product?
where is the manager?
i would like to make a complaint.
you people are stupid.

his tirades would go on.

sometimes tick would feel embarrassed. most of the time, tick would just roll his eyes.

and there were those complaints about ox's life:

i'm bored.
i have no money.
would you treat me the same if i were poor?
i have so many problems you know nothing about.
i'm such a loser.
you don't care about other people

and tick would usually reply:

get a job or run a business. true moguls are never complacent.
how can you drain down $500 in a month? where does it all go?
simplify your life, stop spending unnecessarily. i mean, for a start, do you really need all 4 phones?
you have to stop creating drama in your life. if you did, you'd have more peace.
stop making excuses for not doing anything and do something.
there are people poorer than you, and they would be glad to have at least some of what you spend in a month.
stop complaining. people have problems all the time. what makes you different?
you get too involved in other people's lives. and you try to fix them - except you haven't fixed your own problems.
true wealth is reflected in a person's character, in how he treats other people.

tick was usually patient with ox.

ox was, at most times, fun to be with.
but there was just no excusing the rudeness of leaving bear and tick at the farm without any notice, when it was ox's idea to go to the farm in the first place.

this time, tick was tired.

and he didn't care anymore.

tick was not into taking care of nutcases.
tick did not like too much drama in his life.
tick respected himself too much.

and that's how tick became and transformed into trey.