freedom '90

when it's over

i'm celebrating today as my freedom from a crush i've held on for so long.

i bid my affection for captain a good farewell.

i am no longer trapped.

i am free.

even dykes love gay male porn!

i've known about straight women liking gay male porn for a while.

but even lesbians too!?
what the fuck?

i should ask my lesbian friend what she thinks of gay male porn.

to read more about this fascinating phenomenon, click here.

dicks rule!

am i?

Trey, you're the Sweet Side Of Sexy

You don't make a big deal about your sexuality but you're also not purposely hiding it either — two traits that naturally draw people to you.

You've got an understated zest for life and all its pleasures and tackle each day with spirit. As a teenager, were you maybe a little on the quiet side?

We wouldn't be surprised, but underneath your quiet exterior you have an undeniable sweetness that attracts people who see that special something and want to see a little more.

Is it the way you dress? Your laugh? The way you speak up at just the right time during a meeting?

Those who know you intimately can't wait to uncover more. Because underneath that innocent smile you've probably got a few little secrets.

But you'll never tell. Or will you?

http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=sexy2ogt&c=50652

on relationships and lobotomies

yes, i admit it.
i slept with serkan to forget about captain's unrequited feelings.

it did work. i've mostly gotten over captain.

and it got me thinking. is there a way to forget your crush?

i quickly typed in "how to forget a crush" on the handy google search bar of my firefox.

the first entry was from wikihow. intriguing. and so i clicked.

various how-to's were listed.

avoid your crush.
accept that you were rejected by your crush. ouch.
look for his negative traits.
meet new friends.

i think i took the last option.

do i regret it? not really.
serkan is a nice guy.

i went out with some friends saturday night and hit the clubs.
well, one club in particular. it was packed.
lovers of friends were there.
and friends of lovers as well.

it was fun for a while. some cute guys. some danced with me. some rubbed up against me.

the euphoria didn't last long.
i'm not really the bar-hopping type.
or maybe i've just evolved past being a regular bar-resident.

or maybe i'm looking for something more solid than a one night stand.
the bars aren't the best places to look for those kind of relationships.

or is it just that i'm too old-fashioned to want that?

or maybe we've all gotten too spoiled by the availability of (hot) men, that we are incapable of deciding and settling?
because once we do decide to settle, we might miss a better one.
is this it?

in a world where options are everywhere, is it safe to settle?

or should we forget the relationship part and instead, just enjoy and have fun?

bottoms up

since i usually take challenges head on, i revisited serkan.

lying on his bed, a little sleepy, a little bored, and a little frisky.

and this time, the pain was minimal.

i managed to enjoy it.

i still smell of him.

gotta shower.

abso-fuckin-lutely!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.

"There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

- Carrie Bradshaw, 2004.

trey and the city

in anticipation of sex and the city, i decided to review the beloved series.

and i rediscovered a little of myself in each character.

i'm a little bit of miranda. because like her, i can be cynical when it comes to love.

i'm also a bit of charlotte. well, mainly for her decorating style.

yes, my room is mostly white and very much minimal. a little bohemian, a little resort-like, and still city-chic (to me, and hopefully not shitty-chic to others).

samantha is the one i'm most like. well, she's the one i want to be most like. she makes me laugh, she's tough, she's vulnerable, human, and she's so fucking wise. as my good friend tony from palau would say, "samantha is just a gay man trapped in a woman's body."

that guy is probably me.

and oh, carrie. yes, i'm also like you. i'm scared of getting involved with complicated men. and yet i do. i make mistakes.

i'm not one character. i am the whole show.

abso-fuckin-lutely.

serkan: re-deflowering trey

it was dusk.
he was waiting for me, just like he said.
he motioned for me to follow him.
and through a labyrinthine route we took.

he led me into his den.
it was humid.
i was sleepy, a little feverish.
i slept a little, curled up beside him on his bed.

i woke up later with a leg wrapped around me and my hand trapped under him.

he teased me with his heavy leg, hairy and thick.
i tried to release my hand, but it only served to make him hard.
he smelled of overnight perfume, stale cigarette smoke, and light sweat.

we started going at it like a couple of teenage boys after a liquor-filled party.
clothes came off - skin touched skin - and his hairy, beefy body inflamed my senses.
he placed me on top of him as his stubble grazed my nape while i licked his ear.

his finger slowly crept into my crevice while he pushed me down to his engorged cock.
it was huge, thick, big, and hard.
so thick, my fingers couldn't meet.
so big i nearly choked from sucking it.
and he was aggressive.

"shhh, we can't make any noise. the walls are thin."

he suddenly turned me over to my side.

"let me fuck you."
"no, wait, i don't do that."
"please, i'll be gentle."
"i'm not letting anything that big get inside me."
"come on, just the head please?"

i didn't have much choice as he grabbed my hands and inserted his monster meat in me.
i felt as if my whole being was torn in two.
he muffled my cries as he slowly pushed the big, bloated head in.
we were sweating bullets by this time.

he moaned as the head popped in.
and he started his dance, moving and writhing and pulling me with him into his sensual rhythm.
on our side, with me on top, him on top, and me on all fours.
pushing, shoving, trying to get it in.
it was too painful.
only the head ever got in.

i must've lost track of time.
it's almost 45 minutes.
he's about to come.
but for the life of me, i couldn't get hard.
the pain obliterated the pleasure.
i bit the pillow to keep from screaming.

and then he came, splashing all over me.
the slickness of our sweat mixed with his expelled seed.

my hands shook as i wiped myself dry.

and cursed myself for allowing my beloved cherry to get popped again after being intact for more than 10 years.

kisses, carresses, and loneliness

i miss kissing.
just kissing. nothing sexual. just plain old kissing.
the sensations, the tastes, the smells.

it's nice to cuddle.
it's nice to be touched.
nothing sexual. but affection from the other person is enough.

i'm just emotionally low today.
just not my best day.

i just want to curl up in bed and sleep.

Aphrodite's Erotic Soup

Aphrodite's Erotic Soup courtesy of the queer chef

Ingredients

1 whole courge or squash diced
1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
Moringa leaves already plucked
A dozen of big prawns
Fresh or canned coconut milk
3 cups of water
1 ginger sliced and squashed
1 garlic clove chopped
1 onion bulb chopped
Salt and pepper

In a deep pan, fry the diced courge, prawns, chopped garlic, onion and the ginger with the vegetable oil. Once the prawns turned pinkish or red pour the three cups of water and let it simmer until the courge are bit soft.

Apres mash the courge to make the soup a bit thicker while stirring it. Add the coconut milk as well as salt and pepper to taste. Then let it simmer for another 5-10 minutes adding the plucked moringa leaves before serving. Voila! You are done with Aphrodite’s Erotic Soup!

Serves 4-5 persons.

a different sunday

i woke up very early today.
i haven't had much sleep, yet i don't feel tired.
strange.

it must be from that fantastic massage i had last night.

definitely worth the trip.

i must go back soon.

*smile*

it's mother's day.
my mom passed away 11 years ago.

we were not very close, she and i.
it was a very complicated relationship.
although, i must admit, i inherited many of her characteristics - both good and bad.

i received a message from captain.
his mother has been admitted to the hospital.
again.

in a decidedly uncharacteristic act, i told him i would light a candle for his mom's health.
and even stranger, i did.
at cebu cathedral.
along with a candlelit prayer for my mom as well.

am i liking him too much?
will i end up getting hurt?
most likely yes to both.

but life's too short to be restrained.

anticipation

i can't wait to start working out again.

it has been more than a year since i've stopped going to the gym.

and now, i will be exercising again!

as soon as slimmer's sm opens.

i am grinning.

i am so excited!

maybe i will finally achieve that body i've been dreaming of for so long.

plus, having captain assist my supplement selection is a big factor.
he'll be instrumental in achieving my ideal body type.
though i'm a bit toned by a bit of yoga, nothing beats pumping iron!

i smile

oh, captain.
you make me smile when i think of you.

you bring me back to my teens.

giggling, blushing, grinning for no reason.

and in my deluded mind, we might be meant to be.

when i saw you online after posting about you, i knew it.

we were meant to be.

never mind that i might be hallucinating that you feel the same way about me.

never mind that friendship is all you have to offer at the moment.

never mind that you like a girl.

i still like you, despite, in spite of, and because of.

i like you.