friday!

celebrating a leap day.

what will i be doing today?

curling up in bed?

luxuriating in spa treatments?

going for coffee?

hitting the bars?

i don't know yet.

but they all sound like a good plan. and in order!

ah, the perks of being unemployed.

cherry pop

he and i got to know each other when chatting was still new. heck, the internet was not yet mainstream.

he was in manila. flying in a few days to cebu from singapore.

finally the day came.

charming. suave. intelligent. attractive. and elite. 6 years older.

mutual attraction. but he was with someone at the time. we remained friends. flirted outrageously all throughout.

fast forward more than a year.

he was still attached, this time with a well-known personality in cebu.

he suspected he was cheated on. i heard he was.

invited me up to his hotel room.

i sat on the bed. he sat behind me. gave me a little neck massage. i tensed.

i could feel lips on my neck. warm breath. grazing my ear.

i turned around.

somehow we kissed. hot, wet, long kisses. hands all over each other. frantically exploring. stiff. touching. firm. groping. hard. squeezing.

our clothes came off. panting heavily. drugged with lust. skin and hair intertwine. i tasted him. embraced him. took all of him.

it came upon us. groaning and moaning. slick with sweat.

trying to catch our breaths.

he looked at me.

are you sure that was your first?

i glanced at him.

why do you ask?

he smiled.

you were too good to have it as your first time.

jailbait

i foresaw fantasia's win.

i predicted carrie underwood. she won, and now she's the darling of country music.

i rooted for chris daughtry. he got booted. and came out better than the winner.

where are grandpa hick and catherine mc-phew now?

david archuleta, if he doesn't win the american idol, is going to be a bigger star than the american idol of his batch.

hottie alert!

of phobias and promises

i admit it. i have a fear of dentists. and heights. and drowning.

dentists, because the first dentist i knew put his whole hand in my mouth, sans the gloves. i could taste the disinfectant. and he had a tendency to smack his assistant on the ass. to his credit, many of today's dentists admire his skill. may his soul rest in peace.

i think i am beginning to recover from dentists. finally had a good dentist. we were introduced a long time ago, but i never did go see him. because i was scared and lazy.

i've always been scared of heights. i get weak in the knees. and not in a good way. i remember going to this building in manila. they found me sprawled on the floor - freaking out - when i got a view from the floor-length glass wall. which faced directly down to the traffic. 30 stories below. or the cable cars in ocean park. with the glass bottom. hanging on a ravine. rocking to and fro because of the high winds. i am gripping the keyboard as i type.

recent solution to fear of heights and drowning: parasailing.

and who doesn't have a fear of drowning? i went scuba-diving one time. below 20 feet. heart pounding furiously. suspended in sea water. neither treading or swimming. merely floating. but it was the sea creatures that made me forget my fear. fish-feeding in a marine sanctuary was definitely fun, and such a great situation to confront my fear.

it sure feels great to face fears.

old age. hurt. loneliness. emptiness. sadness. just some of my other fears. it feels good to list them down. because i don't want them to dwell in me. someone told me once that to list things down is a way to let them go. to free one's mind and soul.

i strive to let go. and i see them off not with resentment, but with gratefulness. because i have learned to accept them and free them. life is meant to live with joy.

i commit to find joy wherever and whenever i am.

sobriety

i've noticed something. i'm not as fond of alcohol as before. i used to love vodka. i think i still do. but lately, it has been an effort to down alcohol involuntarily. even if it's free. hehe!

and an aversion to smoke. well, i've always not liked cigarette smoke. i used to be with someone who smoked. the nice thing about him was that he knew i didn't smoke, so he did it outside. and he came back smelling of cigarette. and it was kinda sexy. but that's beside the point.

have i experienced permanent sobriety from my experience during feb 6?

and if i did, is it a good thing?

6 interviews and a bar

friday. what an interesting day.

interview 1
subject: bz

bz was a serial dater with a penchant for flings and one-night-stands. then he met polo. bz found polo potentially great for a serious relationship.

they both had a relationship. they both had a different definition of a relationship. they lasted a week. bz had to work out of the country anyway. they broke it off prior to bz leaving.

enter nick. he meets polo. they liked each other. they go in the same circles as bz's friends. bz's friends find out. he finds out about it. but it's history. so says bz.

enter trey. nosy. went ahead and asked bz about the whole thing. and that's interview 1.

interview 2
subject: mel

mel is a former officemate of trey. taray. and suspected of being fabulously in denial. became friends, and the two hung out with other officemates, who turn out to be really really great intelligent people. rumors persist.

a year passes. everyone has left the company and now work for other companies, yet still keep in touch with everyone. that's how strong the bond is. mel, haze, and trey hung out while unemployed. all 3 got employed approximately the same time. mel in manila. haze and trey in cebu.

out of the blue, trey found a message in his friendster. from haze. mel has a bf. ahem! nosy trey immediately messages mel. he and bf live together in leyte, while mel's family is in manila. his bf is young at 22. and mel, in his mid twenties, finally gets to experience the joys of male sexual bonding.

interview 3
subject: oz

oz had a relationship that lasted almost a year. and that's all that was said. short interview.

interview 4
subject: jay12

trey is at a bar with bub. trey was alone for a moment. offered a drink. trey refuses. insists. trey downs the shot and thanks jay with a smile. boyfriend? indicates bub. no. jay smiles. continues dancing.

after 15 minutes, jay offers another shot. trey declines.

after 30 minutes, jay offers again another shot. last one, according to him. thanks.

5 minutes later, jay's friend asks for trey's number. jay texts trey the minute trey leaves the bar. invites him to visit jay. trey declines. end of interview.

interview 5
subject: bes12

bes12 came in with a white geeky guy. trey immediately checks out white geeky guy. likes what he sees. unfortunately, bes12 thinks trey was looking at him. came over after a few minutes.

asks if trey is alone. no, i'm with him. trey points to bub. oh, bf? bes12 is curious. no. do you come here a lot? nope. trey asks if white geeky guy is his bf. nope. hm. interesting.

awkward silent for a few minutes, then he leaves.

interview 6
subject: white geeky guy

he was taller than trey. geeky glasses. indie rocker pose with the beer bottle held at a 90-degree angle across his stomach. dancing around. endearing, because he danced like a geek.

suddenly, he was dancing beside trey. trey takes the opportunity to ask him some questions.

why are you dancing alone?
what happened to your boyfriend?
i see, so you're just best friends.
it's not that wild yet. do you wanna make it wilder?
oh, a bf.
okay, it was nice to meet you.

the desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

keeping the pretty

hm, where shall i start?

d still hasn't responded. which probably means it's the wifey making the profile.

got a call from jun. one of the personal trainers at a gym. super gorgeous body. and seems interested. i hope he is!

i'm still listening to hairspray. i mean, come on. it's such a great musical. i think the only drawback is that john travolta doesn't sound very good. is it because he's trying to sing in a woman's voice?

this musical is bringing out the romantic optimist in me. *sigh*

bought one of the most unexpected book. the undomestic goddess. campy! can't wait to turn the page.

and bought paulo c with it. like the flowing river. and soon the devil and miss prym. but i'm not yet in the mood to read them yet. i still have to finish blink.

my biggest splurge this past few days have been shirts. 5 new shirts. my god. but they're so cool. and updated. at least i have an updated closet. hahaha! which means i need to get rid of a lot of old stuff.

omitted a comment from another blogger. it didn't seem very relevant to me or to my life. but i do respect his choice. it is after all, a free world.

i need to eat healthier. summer is coming!

i know, it's shallow. but i need the shallowness to appreciate it and the depths.

*hands resting on chin, singing to "without love"*

a new day has begun

with all the fuss about yesterday, i decided to contemplate my so-called love life.

yes, i once fell in love and lust. but i think it had to do more with lust. i was too young to know what to do about it. it was consummated, but i knew it wouldn't work. because he was from another place. should i have pursued it? i think i should have made the effort.

once again i fell in love and lust. with a married officemate. he trained me on my first few months. he was dark, bearded, and broad. he was very friendly and he flirted with me most of the time. never consummated. should i have pursued it? yes yes yes! and now i don't know where he is. i've tried calling my ex officemates if they know where he is. nada.

shit! i've just searched for him in friendster and now he has a profile!

i am so fucking kilig over it. maybe we can finally...

a long survey

21 things about trey... and more

1) Single, Taken, or Crushing?
a) definitely single

2) Are you happy with where you are?
a) not really

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
a) i think i would (which is scary!)

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
a) haven't, thank god!

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
a) it wouldn't be called cheating if it were okay...

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
a) most probably not... it's a deal breaker specially if they lied about it in the first place

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
a) nope

8) Do you want children? How many?
a) maybe a dog or two, but no children

9) Would you consider adoption?
a) it's an option, but right now it's not in the picture

10) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?
a) a simple hi to ask me out on a date would be nice...

11) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
a) only if i know the guy enjoys the chase

12) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating?
a) playing the field? as long as the dates are harmless and no one's getting hurt, why not?

13) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
a) that's possible... rare, but possible

14) Are you romantic?
a) my mind says no... but i know i am

15) Do you believe that you can change someone?
a) no, you can't change a person... a person will change only if he wants to, whether for the best or not

16) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object where would it be?
a) definitely a beach wedding, not very particular where, as long as the beach is a terrific one!

17) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
a) no, not yet

18) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't?
a) who hasn't?

19) Have you ever broken a heart?
a) i don't think so... i hope i haven't!

20) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
a) i believe everyone has his own battles to fight, but it sure helps if you have allies!

21)What would you say about your last ex?
a) never had an ex!

On relationships...

What sort of people do you like, as far as what their interests are in life?
* people with light baggage in their lives

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
* preferably taller and bulkier and athletic

What kind of fashion-sense attracts you?
* casual!

What kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?
* short short hair

What is the usual age range you look at?
* probably 20 to 40

What traits turn you off?
* dishonesty and disrespect

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
* i think it's fine to date around as long as it's light and harmless

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates?
* yes, and i need to work on that

If you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
* yes

What are the positive points about being single?
* you're free to do whatever you want to without thinking about someone else's feelings

What are the negative points about being single?
* that you're all alone in the end... but aren't we all going to be?

When single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship?
* not really

How well do you handle rejection?
* pretty good

Do you miss your last sweetie?
* i miss my ex-colleague D, who i really liked

Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you?
* i'm starting to see that if you start to look for love, it will also look for you

Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together or space things out a tad?
* i think there should be a balance of both

When involved with a person, do you try to think about the here and now or do you often think of the future?
* a bit of both

How do you prefer to handle disagreements?
* talk it out after both have cooled off

How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why?
* frustrating, but i guess i need to wait it out... but i would definitely appreciate knowing about it

Do you have a crush right now? Do they know?
* no, and no

What's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush?
* geez! years.

Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?
* once, to this guy from bacolod

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
* not really... just a few

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
* no, he let it go around some people who told me about it

How do you feel about long-distance relationships?
* does not and will not ever work

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
* i would think about it

Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?
* probably

How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility?
* not very, as long as it's not forced on me

How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?
* not very, as long as we're attracted to and compatible with each other

In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?
* as long as he's not a moron, that should be fine

In a potential mate, how important is a sense of humor to you?
* totally important!

What was your first kiss like?
* exciting, scary, and beautiful

What part of a person's body do you find most attractive?
* the upper torso

What's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to?
* the whole package

How important are the looks of a mate's face to you?
* i'd say important, except that beauty is so subjective... beautiful to me is not beautiful for everyone

How important are the looks of a mate's body to you?
* pretty important...

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with?
* yes, but just a kiss

Were you single at the time?
* yes

What do you most like about making out?
* everything!

Are you a virgin?
* not anymore

If not, would you consider your first time to have been a good one?
* yes, it was a good one

Have you ever turned down an offer for sex?
* yes... who hasn't?

How much do you think sex changes a relationship?
* it's pretty important to have a healthy sexual relationship with the person you love

On a scale from 1 to 10 [10 being the highest] how would you rate your sexual attractiveness?
* 7, but i would like to think 8

How do you feel about casual sex?
* as long as you're not hurting anyone, it's fine

Would you stay with a lover if the love stopped but the sex was still enjoyable?
* that's probably the time when an open relationship is recommended!

Would you stay with a lover if the sex stopped/got boring but there was still love?
* probably...

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
* monogamy over open relationships

How do you feel about marriage?
* it's fine for those who feel they are ready for it

If you're currently not married, do you foresee yourself ever tying the knot?
* if i am ready and am with someone who feels the same way, why not?

Have you ever had an emotional pain so bad it made you sick or physically hurt?
* no, you can't let negative emotions hurt you that much or else you'd be a slave to them

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up?
* from my friends, yes... it's important to leave it with closure and be amicable with exes, if possible

Do you believe there's hope for people after they get back together or do you think the same problems that caused the initial break up will resurface?
* if there was a loss of trust and respect in the first place, then there's not much chance of having it work the second time around

"Now, if I was your boyfriend..."

how many times a day would you kiss me?
* as many times as i could

how many times a day would you fuck me?
* refer to above!

would we fuck everyday?
* hell yeah!

how many times a day would you just want to hold me?
* again, refer to first question

would you take me places?
* if i could afford them!

if we went out on a date would u have me pay for it?
* if you insist, otherwise we can go dutch

would you take me anywhere special?
* i think even the simplest place would be special if i were with someone special

If one a my friends tried to get with you what would you do?
* i wouldn't make a big deal about it

would u tell me?
* yeah

Would u introduce me to your mom/dad?
* yeah

Would you care about what i wore when we out ?
* not really

If your friend tried to get at me what would you do?
* drop that friend immediately

If someone tried to fight with me in front of you what would you do?
* drag you out of it, and kiss you for being so fucking brave!

If a guy tried to talk or dance with you at the club what would u do?
* it's just a dance, right? you know i would leave the club with you at the end

If i cheated on you would you take me back?
* most probably not

Would u give me your myspace password?
* no, and i wouldn't ask for yours either

If i gave you mine would you read all my mail?
* no, they're yours and i respect privacy

the object of my affection

what is it about a person that attracts us?

could it be the stare? the smile? the body?

a combination of two or more?

i remember an encounter with a bodybuilder before. beautifully muscled. dark skin. slightly taller than me. hipon material. but my god, he could go for hours. i heard he went into the escort service a few months after, then the massage service (with the extra service) and then he quit them altogether.

i remember another encounter with a retired pro bodybuilder. he was in his late 40's, but still with an impressive body. hard and muscled all over, and no mean feat for guys his age. he was so much taller than my boring 5'8, with a mustache and deliciously bronzed skin. and married with children. apparently he had a thing for chubs (or so he tells me). and it made me wonder. am i chubby???

sex was hot. did it in an empty apartment he was renting out. did it standing up against the wall because it was unfurnished and dirty. hurried and sweaty. it makes me miss manila.

mbn shares my penchant for these men. dark muscle gods. i wonder how he is already. mbn is so lucky to have met and experienced various dmg's. beginners, athletes, contestants, winners of bodybuilding. yum!

okay, enough erection and jerk off now.

baby steps

i'm starting to figure out how to add items to the blog. yes. it took me some time to do so.

i bought a new bag. i really have to stop buying things i want and instead focus on having a lighter baggage. i really like the bag though.

i'm thinking of going celibate. well, partially. the antonym of celibacy is wantonness. so i am choosing to avoid wantonness.

my recent intoxication made me rethink my priorities. and made me realize how much in a limbo i am now.

do i think too much? yes. do i think too much that it paralyzes me? perhaps. should i not think too much? most likely.

these are some of the baby steps i am taking.

streets

reading various posts and hearing of various relationships gone awry made me think. are relationships between straight couples easier than between gay couples?

and what happens when a gay relationship crosses with a straight relationship to create a bisexual situationship? who wins, and who loses?

would you leave your man if he suddenly chooses to be with a female lover too? what if he starts a family with his female lover? what would be your last straw?

what if your man goes out on dates? would you rather be lied to, or would you prefer to know the details?

to be the martyr or to be the traitor? to be the guide or the adventurer? to stay still or to take flight?

navigating through life is no easy task, specially when the road you take turns and twists. some with warning signs and cautionary tales. rarely do we get to see the overall directions for a particular area. when we walk, when we run, when we stroll, do we stop and admire the sights? or do we rush off to the nearest corner or street for a new beginning?

we hope we never get robbed in a dark alley. we hope to find comfort in the kindness of strangers if we do get robbed.

have we stayed too long at a street party? or have we never enjoyed one?

do we look at other people in the eye while walking?

do we smile? do we sing a song? what happens when it rains?

pedestrians in life. traveling through the maze of the city of life, sometimes alone or with other people. some stay with us shorter than we want them to, and some stay longer than we want them around.

either in the fast lane or along the meandering path, we continue to tread. where is the final destination? some may already know. most do not. not yet.

the answer lies in the questions we ask ourselves. what is important in life? love. respect. faith. and why? what great truth lies beyond our answers?

the path we travel, whether we like it or not, is almost always paved with the choices we make.

there are no right or wrong choices. because the result of the choices help us become who we are.

maybe, at the end of that journey, we will find something we never expected.

a mirror.

will we like what we see?

the snake in 2008 - part 2

The year of the Rat is a positive one for the Snake. This is year where you have the opportunity to act on your ideas and put your strengths to full use.

2008 is a year where relationships will be a prominent feature. Male snakes will need to spend more time with their partners though as neglect may lead to loss.

Opportunity for advancement in career is possible but it is up to you to take the initiative and then act upon it. You can be great with the ideas but no so good at putting them into action. The rat year calls for not only initiative but also action.

This can be a positive year financially as long as you watch your spending. It is also advisable to share your thoughts with those close to you and not be so closed and self reliant.

May and November require greater caution and patience for the Snake.

March, June, August and September - November can provide opportunity.