a rose by any other name

i've always known i was a little bit pickier than most people i know.

which is not always necessarily a bad thing.

some call it eccentricity, some call it flaky, some prefer the term obsessive compulsive (oc).

i just realized something. a breakthrough, perhaps.

an opinion from a reader got me thinking. perhaps i should've answered yes. yes to my married crush.

but i don't know if it was said in jest, as we often joke around with each other. and i've always thought married men would make horrible choices as boyfriends. or perhaps i am spoiled to the point that i've made up a romanticized list that makes up an ideal relationship.

i know relationships can be messy. tedious. difficult. and time consuming. but that's human.

so while i am ticking off checklists for the ideal, i may be missing out on having an actual relationship. aha. this is the breakthrough.

i read kasper's blog, and i admire him for having the courage to do what i would not: to pursue a relationship, regardless of the complications it presents.

i don't think i could ever do what he does. he hangs out with his bf's girlfriend. in his shoes, perhaps i would've immediately gone temporarily insane from insecurity and jealousy. sleeping over with the two of them? unthinkable for me. i am not that strong.

which is a funny thing, because like kasper's man, my married crush is also a massage therapist. is this an epidemic i notice? gay men falling in love with (straight/gay/bi) masahistas. it reeks of a tagalog digiqueer film.

another thing which i find hard to do is the secrecy factor. i don't think i have the guts to stay hidden for so long. i think i would have wanted to shout out to the world that the guy is my boyfriend, and i wouldn't have cared less what others thought.

strength is not always about being brave. it can also mean surviving for something worthy.

what should i have said?

"kita, kanus-a man sad ta ma-uyab?"

- as asked by a certain married crush.

supergirl gone bad

this brings out the pervert (and the lols) in me.

i love fan fiction art specially when it's erotic.

click here to view the webcomic.

two of a kind

my best friend was doing the 16k run when she spotted a guy at a corner bar near sunflower city. she heard someone call her by her full name, and when she turned, she saw me. so she waved and smiled, and i smiled back.

this was according to her when she called me to confirm.

apparently, i have a doppelganger.

i think this is the first time a close friend has told me about my 'twin'. although i have heard from various people that they have already met me somewhere, i usually do not recall meeting them until that time. i've always been in the impression that i have one of those common faces, so people tend to believe we've met before when we haven't.

i would like to meet this guy. to see how alike, or not, we are. if it weren't for my best friend being so staunchly sure that he did look like me, i wouldn't have been curious.

but according to her, we do look alike. same build, same shaved head, same skin color, same thick eyebrows.

maybe one of these days we would meet.

that should be interesting, to say the least.

but wait. isn't meeting a doppelganger risky?

like a virgin

i downloaded the first ever onscreen gay fuck by zeb atlas and adam killian.

and it's so fucking hot.

maybe because the scene is (almost) one of my fantasies come to life.
almost, because in my fantasy, it'd be zeb and me in the shower. (lol)

oh, zeb. should i reconsider writing you in?

again, what's in a name?

this is what my real name supposedly says about me as a person:

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

this is what trey supposedly is as a person:

and this is how i think i am:

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

whatchu think?

friday i'm in love

well, not really in love. but it was pretty much how i felt the whole day.

first, it was my last visit to the dentist for sometime. finally, my tooth is now well. yes! at last i can eat normally. well. not really. less crunchy food to avoid my tooth breaking. (lol)

then, i met up with a former crush. i'm so over him now, but was i pathetic when i was so into him. and i ended up spending two hours with him in sm, browsing for shoes for a wedding he was attending. i almost asked him if it were he who was getting married, but he beat me to it. it's for his, uh, i don't remember. sister? brother?

ay. but i ended having fun talking and laughing with him, although there was one trait that showed up that really turned me off. he was way too critical of others, specially in how they looked and what they wore. i mean, i admit i'm guilty of that sometimes, although i try to curb the temptation. what matters more to me is how you look without clothes anyway. (lol)

then i bumped into an ex-officemate, then after she left sm i met jessie, and then i met up with my beautiful lesbian girl friend, and together we bumped into an old high school friend of ours.

my head was buzzing by the time i got home.

atlas, the best man to have shower sex with

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a change will do you good

various thoughts running through my head for the moment.

reading and watching sexy sarah palin in action just makes my head ache. i'm sure she's probably nice and all, but way too unqualified to be veep to mccain. let's face it, mccain obviously drafted her to hook in the clinton votes, and the women voters. watching her fumble during her onscreen interviews was just excruciating, and i guess voters really do get what they elect to office. the way she answered questions. boy. did she get picked only for her gender and age. and i think she knows that, deep inside.

when asked by katie couric if she had any favorite newspapers, sexy sarah answers, oh i read them all. and when pressed for a certain newspaper, she couldn't answer, and then she rambles on and on about alaska. sweetie, we get it. you're from alaska and proud of it. so proud that you wanted to build a bridge to nowhere. we know you're proud you're a soccer mom. we love soccer moms. unfortunately, that's not the only qualification you need to run for office. i think tina fey would do a better job than sexy sarah any time.

dear sexy sarah, you need a good grasp of world affairs. and if you're not sure of certain things, it's better to shut up than to trip up. because tripping up really highlights your ignorance. which is not a bad thing. ignorance can always be cured by knowledge. stupidity is another thing.

and let's not dwell on local politics. we can go on and on about how stupidity elected popular but unfit people into positions of power.

that's why i'm going to dwell on good things. like how i finally made the a sketch of my "demonic" race. who doesn't look demonic at all. angelic in fact. if demons were to tempt humans, why would they tempt us with scary looking faces? let's face it. desire motivates us more than fear.

or how i finally edited the pages i've made so far. with so many huge edits. scenes erased and changed. scenes added. thinking of names. it's just crazy. but fun.

another sunday evening. i wonder how b is doing. i haven't chatted with him for the longest time.

i need to shake up my life.

i think i shall go to eloy this week for some card reading.

i wonder how it will go.

and then ngohiong right after!

more, more, more

i just came from a wedding reception. well, it was a more intimate reception than the usual.

the wedding was at 7:30 in the morning. formal reception at lunch. then a more informal reception at dinner.

then the inevitable question came. when are you getting married and having kids?

precisely why i avoid weddings.

for one thing, i don't like children. and yes, i'm still single. and no, i want a husband, not a wife.

the past few days have been serendipitous. while enriching the back story of my humanoid demon character, i came upon a greek god's tale that echoed his story. so i am going to use the greek god angle. and lord knows i love greek myths. i'm surprised i didn't think of it sooner.

i'm up to page 33. i'm not so happy with the way the story has been unfolding, and i think i shall be editing the next few days.

two girls, a guy, and a coffee shop

i happened to meet two girl friends within 24 hours.

one was a friend from high school who married an ex-officemate of mine, without me knowing about it until a chance conversation. she was conditioned to see life negatively, and it just pains me to see her so down on herself.

we happened to talk about relationships, and she proposed that perhaps i was commitment phobic.

and perhaps it is true. i am afraid of falling.

i told this to my bestest friend. we had a grand old time catching up, dissecting ourselves and dreaming of travails and travels.

ah. lovely walks in paris, lunch in greece, and tea in london.

then our phones rang and we got back to our real world.

wandering thoughts

pregnant women freak me out. i always think they're about to give birth in front me, and i have to help them give birth.

the fact that i actually know the words to some sappy tagalog love songs (bakit nga ba mahal kita, kahit di pinapansin ang damdamin ko, di mo man ako mahal, eto parin ako nagmamahal nang tapat sa yo?) has me totally rolling on the floor laughing...

irritations:

women with their long hair free who sit beside me in jeepneys or stand near me, tossing their stiff rebonded manes like they're starring in shampoo commercials. in reality, they look more like insecure aswangs in the daylight. i wish i always brought a pair of scissors with me. all the time.

fat women who think they're not fat and squeeze in with you. don't you find that a little claustrophobic?

or trannies who brush up against you. it's not that i don't like trannies. i just don't like people i'm not attracted to, to be touching me. i end up dusting myself involuntarily. it's a mental thing. i might need a shrink.

copycats. from the most obvious pinoy movies/telenovelas (think: desperadas) to the remakers of hit sappy love songs (think: crazy for you/especially for you/love moves in mysterious ways). though i get it. remakes can be hot. just don't overdo it. fyi... loving darren haye's cover of madonna's dress you up in my love.

salespeople who tell me this celebrity wears this item and uses this product. say those magic words, and you'll have lost me. good bye.

women who think they deserve special service just because they exist as women. listen. you wanted equal rights. you can't have it both ways. you can't wear pants and expect people to treat you as if you were wearing gowns. of course, i can be a gentleman to ladies i like. just not to delusional ragdolls with diva attitudes. i can be one too, you know. (LOL)

i just thought of this. late, flaky, disrespectful narcissists.

disappointments:

the series moonlight. i hate it. the story is so scattered, the dialogue is so predictable, and the characters are so boring. i sooo regret buying it.

inspirations:

the beach. forests. animals. nature.

simplicity. ostentatiousness. luxury. opposites. yin and yang.

color. texture. smell. taste. music.

friends. creativity. humor. optimism.

fruits.

the occult. magic. spirituality.

food. food shows.

good furniture. design shows. appliances.

love/hate them:

clothing trends. however baduy they can be. some can be darling (skinny jeans). some are just plain crazy (bomber jackets in the philippines?).

fried food. chicken. ngohiong. bulaklak.

gadgets. i love the mac air. though sometimes i wish i weren't so techy. it can be hard and expensive to keep up.

nail biting - well, not really

i finished a draft of the story. yes! draft, because i constantly add, delete, and change the words.

i have decided to send the draft to several people in the hopes that they can provide valuable insights and critiques. i've already made up my mind that my writing is a little too flowery and too melodramatic. i guess i'll have to wait if others think so too. (lol)

i've already one big critique. tony from guam, who said that the names are too western. and asked if there would be any pinoys. yes. i'm going to make it a benetton world. doncha worry your pretty lil head about it.

b mentioned that it might be too graphic. it's meant to be. it's for adults. it's got words like cock, fuck, shit, and all the cusses we're probably used to. and of course, the sex is going to be there most of the time. it's going to cause discomfort to many, and maybe pleasure to some.

b's going to make his work a bit more family-friendly. i envy him. and i think his work's going to be funny too.

i've already mentioned how i am concerned that my work might be accused as plagiarized work, or become a plagiarized work. so for now, i don't think i'll be posting anything other than the occasional mention of ideas or names. besides, i don't think it would get that big an audience. and there must be dozens of other writers who are more talented than me. i'd just like to err on the side of caution.

i've already been inspired by several experiences, which i've yet to put down. i've discussed them with some people and so far they've found it amusing. which is what i need, since humor is not really injected too much (if at all) in what i've finished so far.

one problem i'm struggling with is how to get the lead out of the country and into the city. the transition story. that'll have to wait for inspiration to strike. then to the city he cometh!

the good thing about writing this story is that i'm more conscious of words. and how to arrange them as best as i can. i've even begun to put apostrophes (which i spell-checked and came out correct) in my sentences. now if only i'm not lazy enough to do upper cases in proper nouns and at the beginning of sentences.

yes. i was a spelling bee wannabe.

this story (and its consquent success, or most likely, the lack of it) is probably a dream, maybe a pipe dream. but at least i've done something about it. at least i won't sing the coulda-woulda-shoulda song.

yes, you!

i've always been in the belief that people usually show themselves not in their words, but by their actions. or lack of it.

commitment, or lack of it. if you can commit to something small, you can probably commit to the important stuff.

imagine this: you tell someone you'll meet them at so-and-so at this time, and you don't do it.

then, failing to realize that you were past the designated time, you send a reply to a barrage of where-are-you's.

you reply with "i'm watching excorcist on dvd, i'm not dressed yet."

when the other party is intentionally ignores you after you show up almost two hours later, you send your arsenal of calls and text messages. both styles ignored.

"where are you?" "sorry na." and you send it repeatedly, hoping to force that person to realize that you were being gracious by apologizing and forcing him to accept your "cute" way of doing so.

you write it, hoping that he thinks it's sincere.

you write it this way, sending him the subconscious message that everything was his fault, and you are the innocent victim.

what does it say about you? if you failed to respect a person's time and effort, wouldn't that make you disrespectful?

and you wonder why people don't really care for you much, if at all.

your stock has plummeted so much, it has to be mined. it barely made the stock market in the first place.

and yet, you still wonder why people avoid you.