a rose by any other name

i've always known i was a little bit pickier than most people i know.

which is not always necessarily a bad thing.

some call it eccentricity, some call it flaky, some prefer the term obsessive compulsive (oc).

i just realized something. a breakthrough, perhaps.

an opinion from a reader got me thinking. perhaps i should've answered yes. yes to my married crush.

but i don't know if it was said in jest, as we often joke around with each other. and i've always thought married men would make horrible choices as boyfriends. or perhaps i am spoiled to the point that i've made up a romanticized list that makes up an ideal relationship.

i know relationships can be messy. tedious. difficult. and time consuming. but that's human.

so while i am ticking off checklists for the ideal, i may be missing out on having an actual relationship. aha. this is the breakthrough.

i read kasper's blog, and i admire him for having the courage to do what i would not: to pursue a relationship, regardless of the complications it presents.

i don't think i could ever do what he does. he hangs out with his bf's girlfriend. in his shoes, perhaps i would've immediately gone temporarily insane from insecurity and jealousy. sleeping over with the two of them? unthinkable for me. i am not that strong.

which is a funny thing, because like kasper's man, my married crush is also a massage therapist. is this an epidemic i notice? gay men falling in love with (straight/gay/bi) masahistas. it reeks of a tagalog digiqueer film.

another thing which i find hard to do is the secrecy factor. i don't think i have the guts to stay hidden for so long. i think i would have wanted to shout out to the world that the guy is my boyfriend, and i wouldn't have cared less what others thought.

strength is not always about being brave. it can also mean surviving for something worthy.