goodbye, heartbreak

i've noticed something about me this year.
i've started to mellow. perhaps like some wine, i get better with age?

i hope so. but in a way, i hope not, too. lol!

been away for a while. i've had a crazy year, despite not working. and when i say crazy, i mean bad-crazy.

good things have happened, and even more shiteous things have come up. but, at least i'm starting to be on the mend. in my wildly deluded optimistic mind, i think i am.

i've also had interesting... near-encounters with men. i've had funny and provoking proposals thrown my way. one, an invitation to be a paid escort. another, to be in a threesome. and the usual can-we-have-sex with guys i'm not attracted to. and some girls. am i not that gay yet?

i've also noticed that i've been receiving more signs from the universe. it has enforced my belief that i am walking on the right trail, however hard it may be. it reminds me of the story from a much-loved book of mine, the alchemist. in it, a boy dreams of finding riches and treasures beyond his wildest imagination, and he is determined to make his dream come true. it eventually happens, but not the the usual storyline. during his search for his treasure, he encounters allies, foes, and insights he would not have known if he had stayed at home and forgot about his dream.

and i am that boy, seemingly lost, yet found. confused but determined, knowing and naive, open though vulnerable. and it is with this spirit of new-ness that i've decided to live as though i am a child again. to view each day with wondrous eyes. to remember that yesterday has given me joy and knowledge. to trust in myself. to forgive myself. to love myself.

perhaps one day i shall write about it. but i feel now is not the right time. it is enough that i acknowledge it. for now.