a promise i make to thee

When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me...

And I have no love to give...

When I'm feeling separated from the world...

And cut off from myself...

When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing...

Because I'm not getting what I want...

I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me.

And I'll see it in you.

I'll remember that I am complete within myself...

So I'll never have to look to you to complete me.

And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have, and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it.

spiderwebs

i recently chatted with lp, my friend and ex-officemate.
she had been getting depressed lately, mainly because of her ex.

it's the usual story.

girl (that's her) meets bum (that's him).
girl improves bum's self-esteem, career, and life.
bum becomes boy.
boy professes love to the girl.
girl moves in with boy despite everyone's misgivings.
before they know it, it's been 6 years.
boy's promising career brings him to manila.
girl stays in cebu.
boy meets another girl (let's call her "bitch").
bitch tells boy she's pregnant.
boy breaks up with girl.
girl is devastated.
boy supports bitch all throughout pregnancy and birth.
girl is still hung up on boy.
boy wants girl back.
bitch wants them apart.

lp confided that she had been drinking to numb her pain.
i didn't know what to tell her.
we both know alcoholism isn't the answer.
but it's her temporary solution.
i get her.

i reminded her that it's still her who's going to end up the loser if she keeps this up.
that she's going to end up a wreck if this continues.
that she better move on.
that she's better off without him.
she retorted, "you don't know what it's like."

that stopped me short.

true.
i don't know what it's like to fall deeply in love.
i don't know what it's like to commit your soul to someone else.
i don't know what it's like to be betrayed like that.

what i do know is that i can just be there to listen if she needs me.

and sometimes, it's all we need.

let's hear it for the boy

i'm not looking for the perfect guy.

the first time i really liked a guy was a good friend of mine.
next was another good friend who happened to be a friend of my first crush.
incestuous! i can just imagine how it would've been.

then there was the first guy.
i was 21. he was 27.
he was almost everything i was looking for.
except he didn't live in cebu.
and i don't believe in long distance relationships.
never have.

he was my first kiss, my first suck, and my first fuck.
i smile as i think about that.

now, back to the present.

so what am i looking for in a guy?

that we're physically attracted to each other.
that i don't scare him.
that he's secure of himself because he knows who he is and where he stands.
that we're open and honest because we have the chemistry.
that we inspire each other to become better persons.
and that through it all, we have enough love, strength, wisdom, and humor to stand by each other.

when it's over

i'm celebrating today as my freedom from a crush i've held on for so long.

i bid my affection for captain a good farewell.

i am no longer trapped.

i am free.

a different sunday

i woke up very early today.
i haven't had much sleep, yet i don't feel tired.
strange.

it must be from that fantastic massage i had last night.

definitely worth the trip.

i must go back soon.

*smile*

it's mother's day.
my mom passed away 11 years ago.

we were not very close, she and i.
it was a very complicated relationship.
although, i must admit, i inherited many of her characteristics - both good and bad.

i received a message from captain.
his mother has been admitted to the hospital.
again.

in a decidedly uncharacteristic act, i told him i would light a candle for his mom's health.
and even stranger, i did.
at cebu cathedral.
along with a candlelit prayer for my mom as well.

am i liking him too much?
will i end up getting hurt?
most likely yes to both.

but life's too short to be restrained.

i smile

oh, captain.
you make me smile when i think of you.

you bring me back to my teens.

giggling, blushing, grinning for no reason.

and in my deluded mind, we might be meant to be.

when i saw you online after posting about you, i knew it.

we were meant to be.

never mind that i might be hallucinating that you feel the same way about me.

never mind that friendship is all you have to offer at the moment.

never mind that you like a girl.

i still like you, despite, in spite of, and because of.

i like you.

loving from afar

tony just left to work in dubai, leaving behind his lover.

i can only imagine the feelings those two must have had during the whole time.

i asked him a week ago if they would still be together after he left.

he just shook his head and said he didn't know. aw.

relationships can be complex. and they can also be simple.

except that i'm not the best person to answer that. hehe!

it reminded me, strangely, of my newest favorite series pushing daisies.

if you were granted a relationship full of everything you hoped for with the person you've always dreamed of - except that you will rarely touch (or see) each other (if at all) - would you go for it?

it's a question that boggles the mind.

on to lighter things. i've been battling flu, coughs, and cold for 3 days now. i hate it.

it didn't get better that i had to be at a welcome-to-cebu dinner for a dear friend and a despedida after for tony going on until 3 in the morning. yes, i am to blame for that. but it's not often that it happens.

and so i suffer the consequences.

this is one of those days i wish i had that someone special to keep me company in bed.

oh captain, wherefore art thou?

hahaha...

a clash of colors

i was chatting with captain b through ym. for me, he was basically perfect. he is tall. dark. handsome. beautiful physique. sharp mind. intelligent. except there's something about the two of us that says we can never be. chemistry.

he's had 3 boyfriends already. the last one broke his heart when he left captain b. because they're miles apart. they lasted almost a year. a year of long distance relationship.

which brings me to some reasons why he will just remain my crush and obsession.

we have different senses of humor.
i irritate him with what i think and say.
he sometimes irritates me with what he thinks and says.

our personalities are on opposite wavelengths.

but i still like him the same.

and yes, we're just friends. so cliche. so sad. it's pathetic.

i swore i wouldn't post lyrics as much as i can... there are always exceptions to every rule.

We all lead such elaborate lives
Wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
Days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me

I don't want to live like that
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to love like that
I just want our time to be
Slower and gentler, wiser, free

We all live in extravagant times
Playing games we can't all win
Unintended emotional crimes
take some out take others in

Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to live like that
Too many choices tear us apart

I don't want to love like that
I just want to keep your heart
May this confession be the start

I know you'll give me courage
to face what I must face
with all these complications
in another time and place

captain b, this is for you.

because you'll always be beyond reach.