Sunday, December 28, 2008

losing my grace

i'm still a bum.
sure, i could easily finagle a job entertaining irate callers at night. i just choose not to.
i applaud call center agents, even though some of them can be irritating.
or maybe i'm just jealous. hehe!

perhaps also that i feel a little more letdown, more than the past few months. you see, i've been dreading december. because this december meant something big: my best friend getting married.

it was a rite of passage that marked adulthood and an apocalyptic ending to happiness. well, to me anyway. i was happy for her, sad for us. it would never be the same. i hugged her, but i didn't cry. i let her go.

and i hated weddings ever since i was conscious to know what a wedding was. it always seemed so staged, so pretentious to me. and i was often one of those in the procession of the entourage. i nervously waited each time for someone to discover my guise and exclaim "faker!"

i often skipped weddings and wedding receptions of friends. i know, that sounds terribly rude. but it was just depressing to find that with every year, your friends become one of those couples who cannot function without their mate by their side.

you've seen those. wives possessively holding on to their man, shooting daggers with their eyes, and teeth bared in a strange grimacing expression of warning and supposed love to the audience. oh, sorry. i meant, to their friends. husbands, once hot guys, drinking beer, reminiscing bachelor days, their bellies as round as a pregnant woman's, leading one to wonder if it is possible for human men to be like male seahorses.

however we try to sugarcoat it, there will always be that line between the marrieds and the unmarrieds. couples end up flocking together, like noah's ark of twittering twosomes. i envy them. i want to twitter too, even though it might be for a few times.

inevitably, i end up being the unmarried person in our circle, subject to so-when-are-you-getting-married style of questions. perhaps they don't get it yet.

and i end up saying "i don't believe in marriages." to a table of married friends. whoops!

i love my married friends, i really do, but i think they've become cult members of the married market. they can't be as free as before, going out for a little bite and a few drinks later. no. they have their husbands and wives and children to think of now.

i brought my lesbian friend to the wedding reception. and for the night, we were supposedly straight to those who didn't know.

the wedding was beautiful, and the reception was even more so. even i, jaded and cynical of such gestures, found it really fabulous and touching and wonderful. so i guess there might be hope for me yet!

i hugged my best friend, her family and relatives, and finally shook the hand of her husband before my date and i left the reception.

in one day, with one rite, with one kiss, i had lost her to him.

so i did what any guy who lost a girl would do: swallowed and guzzled too many drinks at a bar with a lesbian friend, laughing and babbling incoherently as the night drew to a close.

er, well, maybe it's just me.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug , and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

supermodel

one gorgeous sunny day, on my way to get some groceries, i nonchalantly worked the street like i was on a jil sander runway, with madonna on my mind.

quite a number of people stared at me.

some smiled at me.

a girl shouted in surprise.

pleased but nonplussed, i continued striding.

the shouting girl eventually caught up with me, panting with exertion.

i stopped as she tapped me on the shoulder.

i turned and asked her, "yes?"

"i just wanted to tell you, you've got a huge rip on your pants that runs from your butt to your thighs."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

take a bow

i finally understand what got me so riled up.

it seemed to me that the person who replied (a touch cuntily to my comment by broaching on internet filtering / policing, and that my blog has too many pictures of gorgeous nude men, thereby inducing minors to become horny, resulting in them seducing "innocent" adult gay men), was in essence saying that the adults get a free pass, all because the minor was the seducer.

again, wtf???

is he saying that it was all the minor's fault for provoking the adult to lustful actions?

therefore, the blame is on the minor, and not on the adult?

holy crap.

this is the kind of thinking that gets me.

as adults, we are responsible for our own actions.
we should know what to do.
shouldn't we?

never mind that the minor was the one who made the first move.

the adult shouldn't encourage it.
nor should the adult make the first move, or any succeeding moves.
at all.

what if it were to happen to their children? to their relations' children? to friends' children?
would they sing a different tune?

we know what's wrong and what's right, and given that we lean towards the good, we should firmly discourage sexual invitations from minors.

are we that weak, that cowardly, that irresponsible to blame others for our actions or reactions???

if one ends up blaming the minors as the instigators, and they the adults as the victims, who has the more responsibility to know what is right and wrong?

who becomes the adult?

my god.

and i think it was just less than five who protested it.
the rest seemed agreeable.
i was disappointed, horribly so.

i think it's time to start thinking of leaving that group and its strange sense of morals.

first, it was the group owner who cried "stop your faggotty ways!", and now this seemingly indifference towards adults having sex with minors.

viva la loca.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

why

why is it, that once girls, gay men, and fag hags know of your sexual orientation, they immediately think you can speak various versions of swardspeak? (i can't and i don't)

why is it, that once men know of your sexual orientation, they immediately think you are attracted to them, no matter how unattractive they are (to me, anyway - hehe)? i actually have a theory on this one.

why is it, that once people know of your sexual orientation, they immediately think you must be attracted to young or teenage boys? (so far, i'm not)

why is it, that once people know of your sexual orientation, they immediately ask why you're not very girly? (because like the rainbow, gay men come in an assortment of colors)

just some thoughts that occurred to me while reading reactions to a post i made about gay men having sex with hardly legal-aged seducers.

i quickly determined that my sudden and violent reaction to the nonchalance of this event was due to my idea of a utopian society. which means i live in a dreamworld.

i will not be a hypocrite and say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind when i was a teen. in high school, i did imagine myself kissing someone older, a 15-year old boy. i was 14. hehe. that was probably the extent of it. i guess i lived a sheltered life in terms of sex. i still do.

and i will admit i have daddy-son fantasies. and i'm always the son. how vain of me. (lol)

and it's a good thing i don't like children very much. it serves a purpose that is twofold: one, that i have less chances of being sexually attracted to one, and that two, i wouldn't have to worry about having a child in the future that might indulge in sexual encounters (with adults or peers) without being equipped emotionally and psychologically.

although if it is indeed true, that most youngsters today are experimenting with sex at an early age, what would that entail, in terms of moral and legal parameters? or in emotional and psychological definitions? would the laws change? would society change?

are children today much more matured than their previous generations? i don't think i would be as much disturbed if todays teens are sexually active with their peers, and not their peers' parents.

true, sex is messy. but it's messier when one belongs to a (gay) society that has already been marginalized, categorized, and ostracized by the majority. ized, ized, baby.

gay adult men having sex with legal minors.

i think i was the one of the few who protested that this is just wrong.

gay adult men having sex with legal minors.

i kind of think it takes the civil rights and gay recognition movement back a step or two.

kind of like electing a black president into office, just to have an equal-rights proposition overturned in the span of a few hours.

but who among those i communicated with, would care?

as perezhilton would say... WTF?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

when we deny ourselves

i admit it. there are some times when i am not my biggest fan.

some moments that shame me are those when i am reminded of my lack of courage. courage to fight for myself, courage to fight for others, and courage to just be.

so it is with a little bit, a wee bit, of courage that i write this.

i do not know why many discriminate amongst ourselves. i include myself in this category, though i prefer to think i am not the most homophobic gay man out there.

"yuck, ka bayot niya! (yuck, how gay of him!)" - from a 'discreet' man who has sex with other men.

i smell a hint of self-loathing with a base of delusion and a whiff of self-importance in this common street fragrance.

perhaps when one is drowned in this stench, it becomes like perfume.

spay it. don't spray it, sister.

cause i think i still have that stink on me.

the cutest thing ever

Saturday, November 8, 2008

on a typical saturday morning

i just discovered i like watercolors.

i made several sketches today (since i was bored and a little creative at the same time), and it seems i'm more suited to watercolors than colored pencils.

this means if ever i plan to add colors, i'm going to use watercolors. i've tried pastels, and it's a no. oil is a bit expensive for me.

and i'm terribly frightened of using cracked photoshop/coreldraw installers to create artwork. luck doesn't seem to be on my side for these things, as they tend to end up destroying my pc. now, sharewares are a different story. i love them, and they love me back.

so i'ts manual for me, for now.

i posted the first part of the story, which i hope is intriguing at the start.

there are two versions of the drawing, both in mixed media of ink and colored pencil. the difference is that the second one has watercolor over the ink and colored pencil.

but probably, i'm most kilig by this one, which i also made today.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

black in white

obama: a new hope.

Monday, November 3, 2008

when models talk

while perusing the quite limited channels of interest on cable tv, i chanced upon a "real" local show with a model as a host.

truth be told, she was rather pretty and delightful, if one turned off the volume.

perhaps the head honchos thought that just having a pretty face is enough to host a tv show.

no.

one needs charm and tact, and definitely a more tolerable voice.

but wait, maybe it's not entirely the girl model's fault. the editors also have to be blamed for letting the show come out like that.

i could tell she was trying to be witty, charming, and informative. i think she's been trying for over a year without success. or maybe she really is all that. but it just didn't come across as such.

the funny thing about this local channel is that they are trying to promote a hip style. but their style is a little lacking. maybe it has to do with their vision of what exactly is hip.

i've seen other good segments before while flipping through the channels, but oh my. overall it's a little sad.

and if what i heard about the late salary payments is true, i can't blame the employees either if they turned out lackluster products due to ill feelings.

i was happy to know one thing: i could switch the channel.

which i did after a minute of her inane chattering with a human resource personnel from a call center company.

i love remote controls.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

a rose by any other name

i've always known i was a little bit pickier than most people i know.

which is not always necessarily a bad thing.

some call it eccentricity, some call it flaky, some prefer the term obsessive compulsive (oc).

i just realized something. a breakthrough, perhaps.

an opinion from a reader got me thinking. perhaps i should've answered yes. yes to my married crush.

but i don't know if it was said in jest, as we often joke around with each other. and i've always thought married men would make horrible choices as boyfriends. or perhaps i am spoiled to the point that i've made up a romanticized list that makes up an ideal relationship.

i know relationships can be messy. tedious. difficult. and time consuming. but that's human.

so while i am ticking off checklists for the ideal, i may be missing out on having an actual relationship. aha. this is the breakthrough.

i read kasper's blog, and i admire him for having the courage to do what i would not: to pursue a relationship, regardless of the complications it presents.

i don't think i could ever do what he does. he hangs out with his bf's girlfriend. in his shoes, perhaps i would've immediately gone temporarily insane from insecurity and jealousy. sleeping over with the two of them? unthinkable for me. i am not that strong.

which is a funny thing, because like kasper's man, my married crush is also a massage therapist. is this an epidemic i notice? gay men falling in love with (straight/gay/bi) masahistas. it reeks of a tagalog digiqueer film.

another thing which i find hard to do is the secrecy factor. i don't think i have the guts to stay hidden for so long. i think i would have wanted to shout out to the world that the guy is my boyfriend, and i wouldn't have cared less what others thought.

strength is not always about being brave. it can also mean surviving for something worthy.

Monday, October 27, 2008

what should i have said?


"kita, kanus-a man sad ta ma-uyab?"

- as asked by a certain married crush.

Monday, October 20, 2008

supergirl gone bad

this brings out the pervert (and the lols) in me.

i love fan fiction art specially when it's erotic.

click here to view the webcomic.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

two of a kind

my best friend was doing the 16k run when she spotted a guy at a corner bar near sunflower city. she heard someone call her by her full name, and when she turned, she saw me. so she waved and smiled, and i smiled back.

this was according to her when she called me to confirm.

apparently, i have a doppelganger.

i think this is the first time a close friend has told me about my 'twin'. although i have heard from various people that they have already met me somewhere, i usually do not recall meeting them until that time. i've always been in the impression that i have one of those common faces, so people tend to believe we've met before when we haven't.

i would like to meet this guy. to see how alike, or not, we are. if it weren't for my best friend being so staunchly sure that he did look like me, i wouldn't have been curious.

but according to her, we do look alike. same build, same shaved head, same skin color, same thick eyebrows.

maybe one of these days we would meet.

that should be interesting, to say the least.

but wait. isn't meeting a doppelganger risky?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

like a virgin

i downloaded the first ever onscreen gay fuck by zeb atlas and adam killian.

and it's so fucking hot.

maybe because the scene is (almost) one of my fantasies come to life.
almost, because in my fantasy, it'd be zeb and me in the shower. (lol)

oh, zeb. should i reconsider writing you in?

Monday, October 13, 2008

again, what's in a name?

this is what my real name supposedly says about me as a person:

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.


this is what trey supposedly is as a person:

and this is how i think i am:

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.


You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.


You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.


whatchu think?

friday i'm in love

well, not really in love. but it was pretty much how i felt the whole day.

first, it was my last visit to the dentist for sometime. finally, my tooth is now well. yes! at last i can eat normally. well. not really. less crunchy food to avoid my tooth breaking. (lol)

then, i met up with a former crush. i'm so over him now, but was i pathetic when i was so into him. and i ended up spending two hours with him in sm, browsing for shoes for a wedding he was attending. i almost asked him if it were he who was getting married, but he beat me to it. it's for his, uh, i don't remember. sister? brother?

ay. but i ended having fun talking and laughing with him, although there was one trait that showed up that really turned me off. he was way too critical of others, specially in how they looked and what they wore. i mean, i admit i'm guilty of that sometimes, although i try to curb the temptation. what matters more to me is how you look without clothes anyway. (lol)

then i bumped into an ex-officemate, then after she left sm i met jessie, and then i met up with my beautiful lesbian girl friend, and together we bumped into an old high school friend of ours.

my head was buzzing by the time i got home.

Friday, October 10, 2008

atlas, the best man to have shower sex with

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

a change will do you good

various thoughts running through my head for the moment.

reading and watching sexy sarah palin in action just makes my head ache. i'm sure she's probably nice and all, but way too unqualified to be veep to mccain. let's face it, mccain obviously drafted her to hook in the clinton votes, and the women voters. watching her fumble during her onscreen interviews was just excruciating, and i guess voters really do get what they elect to office. the way she answered questions. boy. did she get picked only for her gender and age. and i think she knows that, deep inside.

when asked by katie couric if she had any favorite newspapers, sexy sarah answers, oh i read them all. and when pressed for a certain newspaper, she couldn't answer, and then she rambles on and on about alaska. sweetie, we get it. you're from alaska and proud of it. so proud that you wanted to build a bridge to nowhere. we know you're proud you're a soccer mom. we love soccer moms. unfortunately, that's not the only qualification you need to run for office. i think tina fey would do a better job than sexy sarah any time.

dear sexy sarah, you need a good grasp of world affairs. and if you're not sure of certain things, it's better to shut up than to trip up. because tripping up really highlights your ignorance. which is not a bad thing. ignorance can always be cured by knowledge. stupidity is another thing.

and let's not dwell on local politics. we can go on and on about how stupidity elected popular but unfit people into positions of power.

that's why i'm going to dwell on good things. like how i finally made the a sketch of my "demonic" race. who doesn't look demonic at all. angelic in fact. if demons were to tempt humans, why would they tempt us with scary looking faces? let's face it. desire motivates us more than fear.

or how i finally edited the pages i've made so far. with so many huge edits. scenes erased and changed. scenes added. thinking of names. it's just crazy. but fun.

another sunday evening. i wonder how b is doing. i haven't chatted with him for the longest time.

i need to shake up my life.

i think i shall go to eloy this week for some card reading.

i wonder how it will go.

and then ngohiong right after!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

more, more, more

i just came from a wedding reception. well, it was a more intimate reception than the usual.

the wedding was at 7:30 in the morning. formal reception at lunch. then a more informal reception at dinner.

then the inevitable question came. when are you getting married and having kids?

precisely why i avoid weddings.

for one thing, i don't like children. and yes, i'm still single. and no, i want a husband, not a wife.

the past few days have been serendipitous. while enriching the back story of my humanoid demon character, i came upon a greek god's tale that echoed his story. so i am going to use the greek god angle. and lord knows i love greek myths. i'm surprised i didn't think of it sooner.

i'm up to page 33. i'm not so happy with the way the story has been unfolding, and i think i shall be editing the next few days.

Friday, September 26, 2008

two girls, a guy, and a coffee shop

i happened to meet two girl friends within 24 hours.

one was a friend from high school who married an ex-officemate of mine, without me knowing about it until a chance conversation. she was conditioned to see life negatively, and it just pains me to see her so down on herself.

we happened to talk about relationships, and she proposed that perhaps i was commitment phobic.

and perhaps it is true. i am afraid of falling.

i told this to my bestest friend. we had a grand old time catching up, dissecting ourselves and dreaming of travails and travels.

ah. lovely walks in paris, lunch in greece, and tea in london.

then our phones rang and we got back to our real world.

Monday, September 15, 2008

wandering thoughts

pregnant women freak me out. i always think they're about to give birth in front me, and i have to help them give birth.

the fact that i actually know the words to some sappy tagalog love songs (bakit nga ba mahal kita, kahit di pinapansin ang damdamin ko, di mo man ako mahal, eto parin ako nagmamahal nang tapat sa yo?) has me totally rolling on the floor laughing...

irritations:

women with their long hair free who sit beside me in jeepneys or stand near me, tossing their stiff rebonded manes like they're starring in shampoo commercials. in reality, they look more like insecure aswangs in the daylight. i wish i always brought a pair of scissors with me. all the time.

fat women who think they're not fat and squeeze in with you. don't you find that a little claustrophobic?

or trannies who brush up against you. it's not that i don't like trannies. i just don't like people i'm not attracted to, to be touching me. i end up dusting myself involuntarily. it's a mental thing. i might need a shrink.

copycats. from the most obvious pinoy movies/telenovelas (think: desperadas) to the remakers of hit sappy love songs (think: crazy for you/especially for you/love moves in mysterious ways). though i get it. remakes can be hot. just don't overdo it. fyi... loving darren haye's cover of madonna's dress you up in my love.

salespeople who tell me this celebrity wears this item and uses this product. say those magic words, and you'll have lost me. good bye.

women who think they deserve special service just because they exist as women. listen. you wanted equal rights. you can't have it both ways. you can't wear pants and expect people to treat you as if you were wearing gowns. of course, i can be a gentleman to ladies i like. just not to delusional ragdolls with diva attitudes. i can be one too, you know. (LOL)

i just thought of this. late, flaky, disrespectful narcissists.

disappointments:

the series moonlight. i hate it. the story is so scattered, the dialogue is so predictable, and the characters are so boring. i sooo regret buying it.

inspirations:

the beach. forests. animals. nature.

simplicity. ostentatiousness. luxury. opposites. yin and yang.

color. texture. smell. taste. music.

friends. creativity. humor. optimism.

fruits.

the occult. magic. spirituality.

food. food shows.

good furniture. design shows. appliances.

love/hate them:

clothing trends. however baduy they can be. some can be darling (skinny jeans). some are just plain crazy (bomber jackets in the philippines?).

fried food. chicken. ngohiong. bulaklak.

gadgets. i love the mac air. though sometimes i wish i weren't so techy. it can be hard and expensive to keep up.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

nail biting - well, not really

i finished a draft of the story. yes! draft, because i constantly add, delete, and change the words.

i have decided to send the draft to several people in the hopes that they can provide valuable insights and critiques. i've already made up my mind that my writing is a little too flowery and too melodramatic. i guess i'll have to wait if others think so too. (lol)

i've already one big critique. tony from guam, who said that the names are too western. and asked if there would be any pinoys. yes. i'm going to make it a benetton world. doncha worry your pretty lil head about it.

b mentioned that it might be too graphic. it's meant to be. it's for adults. it's got words like cock, fuck, shit, and all the cusses we're probably used to. and of course, the sex is going to be there most of the time. it's going to cause discomfort to many, and maybe pleasure to some.

b's going to make his work a bit more family-friendly. i envy him. and i think his work's going to be funny too.

i've already mentioned how i am concerned that my work might be accused as plagiarized work, or become a plagiarized work. so for now, i don't think i'll be posting anything other than the occasional mention of ideas or names. besides, i don't think it would get that big an audience. and there must be dozens of other writers who are more talented than me. i'd just like to err on the side of caution.

i've already been inspired by several experiences, which i've yet to put down. i've discussed them with some people and so far they've found it amusing. which is what i need, since humor is not really injected too much (if at all) in what i've finished so far.

one problem i'm struggling with is how to get the lead out of the country and into the city. the transition story. that'll have to wait for inspiration to strike. then to the city he cometh!

the good thing about writing this story is that i'm more conscious of words. and how to arrange them as best as i can. i've even begun to put apostrophes (which i spell-checked and came out correct) in my sentences. now if only i'm not lazy enough to do upper cases in proper nouns and at the beginning of sentences.

yes. i was a spelling bee wannabe.

this story (and its consquent success, or most likely, the lack of it) is probably a dream, maybe a pipe dream. but at least i've done something about it. at least i won't sing the coulda-woulda-shoulda song.

yes, you!

i've always been in the belief that people usually show themselves not in their words, but by their actions. or lack of it.

commitment, or lack of it. if you can commit to something small, you can probably commit to the important stuff.

imagine this: you tell someone you'll meet them at so-and-so at this time, and you don't do it.

then, failing to realize that you were past the designated time, you send a reply to a barrage of where-are-you's.

you reply with "i'm watching excorcist on dvd, i'm not dressed yet."

when the other party is intentionally ignores you after you show up almost two hours later, you send your arsenal of calls and text messages. both styles ignored.

"where are you?" "sorry na." and you send it repeatedly, hoping to force that person to realize that you were being gracious by apologizing and forcing him to accept your "cute" way of doing so.

you write it, hoping that he thinks it's sincere.

you write it this way, sending him the subconscious message that everything was his fault, and you are the innocent victim.

what does it say about you? if you failed to respect a person's time and effort, wouldn't that make you disrespectful?

and you wonder why people don't really care for you much, if at all.

your stock has plummeted so much, it has to be mined. it barely made the stock market in the first place.

and yet, you still wonder why people avoid you.

Friday, September 5, 2008

let the madness begin!

i've started on something i've always wanted to do: write a story.

since the sixth grade, i've harbored a secret wish to write a book. in my mind, the story would blur the lines between reality and fantasy, thrown in with a good dose of my wishful desires, a dash of humor, and a wee bit of angst. some characters would be based on real life, and some would be fictional.

and of course, the main character would be based on me. it's so obviously a self-promoting story. (lol)

that wish laid dormant for years. until an exchange of ym's with b, who i discovered, also shared the same passion for fantasy works and graphic novels. the conversation triggered the longing, and we both agreed to share our ongoing works with each other via blogs.

that was about two weeks ago. from a simple story, it has evolved, in my mind, to be a complex one. i've already made up my mind who the character will look like, what he will experience, and all that. except it's come out longer than i expected.

the character is the result of a union between mortal and demon centuries ago, who has abilities he has yet to waken and understand. he is seemingly immortal, and has to find out and deal with his current situation.

i've already begun a draft of the first few chapters. i've also included a creation angle as an afterthought. hm. the wordings are a little dry. i guess i should try to use a few big words, like undulate (used) and enunciate (not yet, but will it ever be?).

i don't even have a good character name! i know it should be a simple name, yet strong and classic. i've decided on the name chase. pryce is a good contender.

i've also made some research on various studies on demonology and myths, which would be loosely used as basis for characters, settings, and beliefs.

i did post the creation story on multiply, though.

b's plan would be to form a group who would critique each other's works and provide assistance and guidance. i'm a little skeptic. but whatever. as long as it isn't accused as a plagiarized story, and won't be plagiarized, i'll be happy.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

dexter's lab 3

we were almost inseparable at work, dexter and i.
i was thrilled whenever i teased him by touching him inappropriately.
his stubbled jawline, his broad chest, and his bubble butt were not immune to my inquisitive hands.

i wrestled with the idea of kissing him.
the angel in me won out easily.

i was young. i had experienced the joy of just recently.
i wasn't ready to have an office affair.
i wasn't ready to have it with a married man.
i wasn't emotionally ready.

i was afraid.

and so nothing happened.

fast forward to present year.

i am enjoying an overrated and overpriced frozen coffee drink, with friends.
bubz got me reminiscing as he brought up the topic of the one who got away.
of seemingly straight men who are curious.

i was reminded of dexter.

i told b about dexter in a spate of innane chatter revolving around relationships.

what would i have done differently?
would i have gone for it?
did i regret not acting on it?

i would like to say i regret it.
but knowing me then, i don't really regret it.
the affair would've been messy. or at least it would've messed me up.
and i wouldn't have liked it.

i do regret not pursuing him the moment i left the company though.

i did try to look for him though. old colleagues, the phone directory, even online.

a chance search on friendster produced a result.

upon closer look, it was obvious it was his wife who made his profile.

i learned that dexter was in dubai, due to arrive this yearend.

and to answer b's question, yes, i would go for it this time.

Friday, August 15, 2008

dexter's lab 2

over the next few weeks, dexter and i had gotten along well.

so well, in fact, that even officemates had begun commenting on it among themselves and to me.

"i've never seen him like this before."
"he usually is very aloof."
"dexter doesn't have a lot of friends."

i usually arrive early because we were on flexi hours, and i'd catch dexter early as well.

he would often put his arms around me, and bury his head in my neck, and then proclaim that i smell good.
then, we would have coffee, chat a little, and go to work.

sometimes i would receive a call from him, asking how i was doing, if i needed any more training.
looking back, maybe i should've taken him up on his offers. but i was innocent then. hehe.

eventually the calls turned naughty.

"lobton tika ron!" would be the first thing he'd say.
"gusto ka ana, no?" would be my laughing reply.
the calls would lass less than a minute, but would come regularly.

i started to notice him differently.

his chest was moulded firmly. he had a slight belly, which i would rub sometimes.

his bubble butt complemented his noticeably protruding bulge, which everyone commented on.

he was dark-skinned and had facial hair, both my weaknesses.

i started to like him sexually.

dexter would ask me to give him neck massages, and didn't seem to mind if i strayed a little farther.

he started to get a little physical too. he would sometimes squeeze my body parts, as if he was imagining something else.

and he wouldn't mind if i squeezed him back.

except i have a rule: don't shit in your own backyard.

Monday, August 11, 2008

dexter's lab 1

years ago, i had just started at an engineering plant, and was designated to work under a large account for our team.
assigned to train me was dexter, who was leaving his post for another spot in another team.

for the past few days, he taught me everything he knew.
i guess i was too excited to work to notice dexter right away.

he was slightly older, with a stubbled beard, broad shoulders, and was extremely masculine.
his deep voice would reverberate during our one-on-one training, asking me if i understood anything.

sometimes what he taught was too technical, so i would just nod yes, hoping that it would soon be over.
after a month, he felt i was ready to take his place.

i sat in his chair, trying to dig in on the work left.
dexter would sometimes sit with me to check on my work if he had the time.

another month passed, and we became good friends.
it was after work, and almost everyone had gone home early because of the monday blues.

i had just finished, and was clicking on personal mails when i became aware of someone standing behind me.

"what's that?" i heard dexter ask.
shit! i hurriedly minimized the teensy-sized browser.
"er, nothing." i heard myself reply.
"did i just see a...?"
double shit! that mail had gay porn attached.
"you saw nothing." i smiled confidently and stood up.
"i'm sure i saw something. let's open your browser."

he started to reach for the mouse.
"noooooo!" i grabbed the mouse and kept on clicking while dexter tried to wrestle it from behind me.
we grappled for a few seconds before i realized how silly we looked, and i started laughing.
he joined in, and soon i was sitting back down on the chair, winded down from horsing around.

"so what was it that you were trying to hide?"
i saw that i had managed to close the browser.
i looked up and saw that dexter was grinning at me while he sat on my table.

"like i said, nothing."
he gave me a strange look.
"what?" i asked.
"nothing. never mind."
"good. let's go home. i hate mondays."

Thursday, August 7, 2008

teenage love affair

while aboard a jeepney, a gaggle of giggling, barely-legal girls in skintight short shorts got on with a couple of older ladies.

it was obvious they just came from an internet cafe.

girl1: it was fun!
lady1: yeah, you liked it?
girl1 and girl2 (chorus): yes!
lady1: you want him for a boyfriend? i can give him to you instead of girl 4.
girl3: i want one too! i've never had one before!
lady2: yes, but we'll have to find another one for you, he thought you were too young.
lady1: yes, he'll have a problem with visa, that's what he said.
girl1: the guy was strange.
girl2: that's what happens when the guy is old.
girl4: i don't want to live in the states. i want japanese men! they seem rich.
lady2: japanese men are difficult. they require a meet up before you marry.
lady1: yes, unlike americans. they can process everything even before you meet.

my stop came and i left the girls while they argued on who's getting the next international vict - er, i meant, man.

and here i thought romance was dead.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

the way

one of my close friend's sister recently got married.
i'm no fan of weddings, specially when i know the crowd it brings.

nothing really wrong with the people, it's just that being a gay fil-chi is a bit harder in cebu's chinese society, where everybody knows everybody.

and being gay used to be such a big scandalous taboo for most traditional families.

thank god mine isn't that close-minded. not anymore.
i know of several gay fil-chi guys who were forced to get married by their family.
revisiting the traditional fil-chi world was much needed though.
i sat with some friends and began catching up.

it made me remember my high school days (and nights).
our clique at high school was a little strange for many, but it made sense to us.

there was the geek, the socialite, the bugoy, the couple, the jock, the bitch, the crush, the brat, and more.
it was so varied, and we all were in different classrooms.

the teachers all tried to separate us each year, but we still stuck through all four years - and even until now.

anyway, our group at the wedding was now a little incestuous.
bb, one of my high school crushes, was now married.
his wife is the sister-in-law of another mutual close friend, who happens to be a younger sister of my sister's best friend.
bb was a part of a group of rich bugoys, two of which were brothers, who were my crushes too.
one of the brothers is married to another friend's ex.
yes, incestuous.

come to think of it, most of my crushes were the bugoys, and i used to hang with them too.
it was pretty cool. they were all these straight guys who would talk about who had nailed which girl.
they were the ones who gave me my first porn, my first drink, and my first wet dream.

and then there was that one guy, gary.
he wasn't my type at all, even though he was big and bearish. but boy, did he pamper me.
i like to think he secretly liked me.
i mean, he used to ask me if he could drive me home after going out.
and he would hold my hand while talking to me and making me lean my back against him.
on second thought, i think he did like me.

i know this happens in an all-boys' school, but it's extremely rare in a co-ed high school.
anyway, graduation came and i left high school a virgin in every sense of the word.
i guess it's just one of those phases where people experiment.

the clapping of the parishioners brought me back to the present.
i went to kiss the bride happiness, and i went out to find bb in his new luxury pick-up.

"hey trey, you want me to drop you off at your place after i bring the girls home?"
"nah, it's okay. my place is just a five-minute walk away."
"are you sure?"
"yep!"
i grinned and left.

don't call me baby



i love this song... specially for the post-breakup times - which i've yet to experience!

(lol)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

you had me

1 missed call.

i checked the number.

hm, strange.

it's not saved.

i sent a text message.

"hi, who are you?"

the phone rang within a few seconds, same number.

i answered with "hello."

"trey?"

"yes?"

"i miss you."

before i could ask who he was, he had hung up.

anatani aitakute

i still haven't found what i've been looking for


since i was nearing bankruptcy, i tried applying as a technical writer for a multinational company.

there were three of us that day.
two girls, a guy, and an it park.

when we finished, the three of us made small talk.
one of the girls worked as a call center agent, and the other one resigned from one.
the current call girl was telling us all about her account and such, how the salary was big, that the company was good.

and the inevitable question came.

"why don't you apply as an agent?"
"wait, why are you here if you love your work?"
she blinked.
"um, i just wanted to check it out. i don't even know what this company does."

then she went on a dialogue that it's the money, the opportunity, the learning, the challenge.
i doubt if it was for our benefit.
i think she was still trying to convince herself.
i could tell from her eyes.
i began tuning her out.

"so, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?"
the question jerked me back to reality.
i was about to tell her that a true lady never reveals her age, but i decided to be nice.
"how old do you think i am?"
they both guessed wrong, and of course, i took it as a compliment.

the call girl, it turned out, was near mid 20's.
oh my god. i was shocked.
i could've mistaken her for late 20's to early 30's.
thank god i didn't say that night shift work gives me a haggard and wizened countenance.
well, in my case, it was more like haggard and bloated. (lol)

if i get that job, i think it'd be interesting.
sounds like a routine, non-challenging, low pressure day job. perfect!
plus, there was that cute engineer guy who kept looking over at me.
too bad he was always with his friends.

all we could do was stare at each other.

touch my body

i recently received a text message from an unknown number last week.

it turned out to be a masseur-turned-friend who had lost his phone a month ago, and who was now using his sister's phone and a new number.

i was pleasantly surprised to hear from him.

"pst. musta?"
"who are you?"
"si ron ni, musta naman? dugay naka wala ni anhi diri."
"aw, mingaw diay ka namo?"
"mingaw sab."

the flirty messages continued.
like a sexually confused teenage boy, i went to sleep smiling after a barrage of messages from him, ending with a "sweetdreams" message.

as b would put it, nihumok akong ilong.

and so i made an appointment a few days later.
he had gotten even beefier.
and was it an interesting massage!

i mean, there was no hanky panky. well. i guess it depends on the definition of hanky panky.
but wow.

i guess he did miss me. (lol)

the rose



what can i say?
brokeback mountain meets the divine miss bette midler.

the rose

some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
i say love it is a flower
and you its only seed

it's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

it's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

when the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong

just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love

in the spring
becomes the rose

Friday, July 25, 2008

the music of the night

even though i am almost destitute as of this writing, i don't think i shall return working to the night.

yes, a picky beggar am i.

i remember the the first time i worked during the night.

it was for a mortgage processing company.
the pay was good. actually, it was better than most call centers.
the hours were good. set banking hours, no shifts. the only changes made were due to daylight savings time.

i remember how lightheaded i would feel the first few weeks.
struggling with 3-5 hours' worth of light and intermittent sleep per day, and compensating the sleep debts on weekend nights.
to help me sleep, i would hit the gym after work. that would be early morning.

i smile as i remember how much anticipation i would have for the gym.
walking into the locker room, catching glimpses of the trainers as they showered and changed.
the gym bought me 2 more hours' worth of light sleep. not the deep sleep i so desperately craved for.

but eventually, i got used to it.
the light sleep, i mean. and my weekends were entirely devoted to sleeping.
i didn't have much of a life. it was work, gym, sleep.
for a while, it was fine.

then i wanted more.
clubbing, eating out, hanging out with friends. those sort of things.
i tried incorporating those into my vampiric life.
i came out more exhausted.

then the company i worked for slowly started going south when the US economy dropped.
a few of us got out before we were asked to leave.
such a shame, really.
the friends we made, the free food we ate, and the free unmonitored internet access we had.
but we all moved on.

and i am 90% certain that i wouldn't want to work at night again.
the other 10% is for the contingency that i might change my mind due to unforeseen circumstances.
pathetic!

lol

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

spiderwebs

i recently chatted with lp, my friend and ex-officemate.
she had been getting depressed lately, mainly because of her ex.

it's the usual story.

girl (that's her) meets bum (that's him).
girl improves bum's self-esteem, career, and life.
bum becomes boy.
boy professes love to the girl.
girl moves in with boy despite everyone's misgivings.
before they know it, it's been 6 years.
boy's promising career brings him to manila.
girl stays in cebu.
boy meets another girl (let's call her "bitch").
bitch tells boy she's pregnant.
boy breaks up with girl.
girl is devastated.
boy supports bitch all throughout pregnancy and birth.
girl is still hung up on boy.
boy wants girl back.
bitch wants them apart.

lp confided that she had been drinking to numb her pain.
i didn't know what to tell her.
we both know alcoholism isn't the answer.
but it's her temporary solution.
i get her.

i reminded her that it's still her who's going to end up the loser if she keeps this up.
that she's going to end up a wreck if this continues.
that she better move on.
that she's better off without him.
she retorted, "you don't know what it's like."

that stopped me short.

true.
i don't know what it's like to fall deeply in love.
i don't know what it's like to commit your soul to someone else.
i don't know what it's like to be betrayed like that.

what i do know is that i can just be there to listen if she needs me.

and sometimes, it's all we need.

Monday, July 21, 2008

pump it up

an invitation to a bodybuilding contest was not going to be turned down by yours truly.

i arrived early to find the place totally deserted.
i learned i was an hour early - which was better than being an hour late.

minutes later, the crowd was gathering, mostly curious onlookers and bodybuilding enthusiasts.
and of course, the bodybuilders and their families and their supporters.

vic was there. he introduced me to his cousin and his cousin's friend before he left us to get ready for the competition.

the girl beside me started to introduce herself.
and, as usual, i forgot her name quickly, though we got along great. and then i find out she's pregnant, four months.
so that's why she told me she won't be going to the gym anytime soon.

and then the contest started.
hot men came out and started to pose and flex their muscles onstage.
and boy, were they HOT. H-O-T.

but of course, i had my favorites. at least five of them.
i still drool when i think about them.

those strappy posing suits emphasizing their glutes and their packages.
yum.

vic was okay, but he was obviously not in the same class as the others, physically.
they were much more muscular, much more defined.

somewhere in the middle of the presentation of contestants, a tall figure came onstage, and i saw it was mt.
the pregnant girl beside me started to cheer.
it took me a while before it dawned on me.
omg.
she's mt's gf! pregnant!

i wonder if she knew mt got naked with me. naw. don't think so.
mt's eyes traveled over the crowd, then found his gf, clapping.

and that's when mt saw me seated beside her.
our eyes locked and i clapped.
he lost his pose for a second, then quickly recovered and winked at me.
i just had to grin in response.

"hey, so that's your bet?" i just had to ask mt's gf.
"yeah, you know him?"
"oh, i thought he was winking at you."
"yeah, you're probably right."
(lol)

the contest lasted three hours, and mt walked away with a minor prize.
damn he was hot. they were all hot.
can't wait for the next one!

Friday, July 18, 2008

beautiful girls

i truly am in awe of some people's skills, talents, and charms.

first, there's gina. i don't know how he does it, but do guys - his type - flock to him.
military men, security guards, policemen.
is it the naughty-goatee baby-looking appeal?
or maybe it's in his eyes.

second, there's buboy. is it the stare? is it the pout?
ruel, jerome, eagle.
what does he murmur to the men that make them become putty in his hands?
impart your secrets, oh wise one.

lastly, there's b. how he manages to snag his crushes just amazes me. my idol.
eric, john, robin.
is it the seemingly innocent and demure smile?
bottle your charm, b.
i'll buy them by the dozen!

truly, madly, deeply

something i affirmed yet again about myself.

i may be apathetic to some things, but to my friends i'm not.
it's scary when i care.
it's scarily intense.
and intensely scary on the flipside.

i remember how i was the last one standing defending my bff.
she and i, like most of our friends, were so much alike.
opinionated, funny, and brilliant.
or so we'd like to think.
at the time, all her friends were just leaving her in droves.
i stayed by her side.

and then it happened.
i got dropped.
i freaked.
we stopped speaking for a year.
my bff.
all over a guy.

that was years ago.
now i've learned to accept my shortcomings, and know that others have them too.
she's now engaged, and going to marry next year to her fabulous man.

amen.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

let's hear it for the boy

i'm not looking for the perfect guy.

the first time i really liked a guy was a good friend of mine.
next was another good friend who happened to be a friend of my first crush.
incestuous! i can just imagine how it would've been.

then there was the first guy.
i was 21. he was 27.
he was almost everything i was looking for.
except he didn't live in cebu.
and i don't believe in long distance relationships.
never have.

he was my first kiss, my first suck, and my first fuck.
i smile as i think about that.

now, back to the present.

so what am i looking for in a guy?

that we're physically attracted to each other.
that i don't scare him.
that he's secure of himself because he knows who he is and where he stands.
that we're open and honest because we have the chemistry.
that we inspire each other to become better persons.
and that through it all, we have enough love, strength, wisdom, and humor to stand by each other.

ladies' choice

can leopards change their spots?
can zebras lose their stripes?
can baboons - oh, you get the idea.

i don't know what's happening with me lately.
i seem to attract the species of the opposite sex.

which would be wonderful if i were a straight man.

short, tall, petite, voluptuous, waifish, rubenesque, fair, olive-skinned, you name it.

am i destined to be a hag's fag?

where are all the men?
and maybe some of the boys?

i don't get my appeal to women.

a pregnant lady told me she found me attractive.

a few girls i've known were surprised to know i like men.

i didn't know i was that subtle. maybe i should start going tranny. but wait, i might get mistaken as a lesbian.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

what goes around, comes around

12:48 pm, july 13 2008.

i have too much time to think, and the lack of sleep doesn't help.

soul searching helped me realize something.

that what i had experienced was just the universe telling me that i deserved it.

karma.

i was inconsiderate of others not too long ago. and now it's come back to haunt me.

i immediately knew i had to apologize for my overly dramatic reaction.

and i hope it was received well.

12: 50 pm, july 13 2008.

bitch

9:01 am, july 13 2008.

i think i'm about to get over the whole pissed-off thing.

i hope that it's not just the sleep deprivation thing going on.

still haven't slept a wink.

my head is throbbing. my heart is beating a mile a minute. my eyes are droopy.

my hands and feet are cold. the rest of me is feverish.

i'm drinking strongly brewed coffee.

i hope it helps.

my hands are shaking, my body is vibrating, my breathing is shallow.

probably from exhaustion and caffeine.

i'm clean shaven today.

it's my small way of excorcising everything that happened.

making a new start.

okay, i get it.

people have needs.

there are some things that are bound to be forgotten in the heat of the moment.

and i just happened to become one of them.

no big deal. right?

i think i'll just keep telling myself that until i feel better.

here's hoping.

9:27 am, july 13 2008.

hung up

5:04 am, july 13 2008.

sitting at the curbside of mango square is not the way i intended to spend time.

waiting for someone to arrive from an illicit tryst is no problem for me.

hell, i introduced the two of them.

doesn't matter when they run off to play games.

it becomes a problem when that person does not have any courtesy or consideration to let me go early when clearly, i was just a landing dummy meant to cushion the afterglow of showersex.

i was expecting an earlier arrival to cap off the night.

but no.

instead, upon arrival of the said person from his tryst, i was told to go home.

after waiting for over two hours.

enduring possible theft and curious trannies and widemouthed yawns.

i was pissed off. fuck. i still am pissed off.

then i thought, am i being too selfish here?

isn't the night for him?

am i being too much of a drama queen?

a totally egocentric asshole?

but then again, another thought struck me. aren't we all selfish at the core?

self-preservation is, after all, the name of the game.

why should friends be any different?

just because i waited for nothing, i shouldn't expect a medal for doing so, right?

was it because i expected too much from someone that i ended up getting emotionally hurt?

no, i'm not pissed because i'm cranky from being sleepy and hungry waiting.

i'm pissed because there was no consideration coming to me.

i'm not some groupie, waiting for some rock star to finish fucking just to be told to go home.

god. maybe i am. am i that pathetic?

is there any gay rule when it comes to these kinds of scenarios?

i never should've let my guard down.

the ones who usually hit the hardest are the ones dear to you.

perhaps i should go back to being my former skeptical self, where emotions are rare and should be ignored.

at least i won't feel anything.

i'm pissed.
i'm tired.

maybe i was right all those years. keep people out of your heart.

that way, they'll never have the power to hurt or disappoint you.

and not to expect anything from people at all. most of all your loved ones.

i haven't slept yet.

being pissed off really does give you more energy.

i haven't slept much lately.

i think i sacrificed too much of myself lately.

i hope i'll mend. i know i will.

but the scar will always be there, burning a reminder to myself.

and for this, i am glad.

i always try to look at things for lessons learned.

this is one of the bigger lessons.

5:27 am, july 13 2008.