disconnected child

it's been 3 days now.
i've managed the addiction so far.

the cravings, the restlessness, the stress.
i know i can do it. but i don't want to.

it occupies my mind.
i need to have it.

i terminated the internet subscription.

and now i blog off-line.

this is what probably caused the big zit on my cheek.

work it

oz and i had a tour of fitness first on tuesday.

mainly, because we were bored and had nothing to do.
the facilities were excellent.

well, it was expected, since i have been toured there several times (lol!).

i spotted several hot guys working out.
stares were sent and exchanged.

interesting.

mt was there.
but i didn't look his way, though i felt him look at me.

probably thought oz and i were a couple.
oz should be so lucky. lol!

the locker room yielded at least 3 hot guys.

one with the most perfect upper torso i've ever seen.
talking with his equally stunning friend.
another set of stares.

this is probably the cruisiest gym i've ever been in.

and to think it was still at 3 in the afternoon.

let me get this straight

yes, i'm also turned on by straight porn.

but i think it has to do more with the guy than the girl.
hell.
it has to do with the guy than the girl.

the guy is julian, and the girl is barbie dahl.
yes, barbie dahl.
and i have the video.

this does not make me bisexual though.

i'd probably get grossed out if a girl starts doing her nasty stuff on me.
i've tried groping a girl. well, at least, i think she was.
nada.
didn't get hard.
and didn't find it exciting at all.
i just kept thinking, what's all the fuss about girlie parts?
while she was moaning and writhing on my lap.

but i do want to watch a guy and girl fuck in front of me.
as well as have two guys fuck in front of me.
just to satisfy my voyeuristic side.

volunteers anyone?

it's only words

thank god the blog returned!

i wonder what happened.

one minute it was there - the next, gone!

i made a date on saturday night.
he seemed nice, sweet, and attractive.
we set the time at 10pm.
actually, he set the time.
i set the place.

after all, i was meeting bubz and the guys at 11.
so it seemed to work out just fine.

a quarter past 10, he messaged me that he will be 20 minutes late.
he had just come from a dinner at his boss's place and will be dropping off his colleague.
quarter to 11, he messaged that he can't make it on time.
at least i managed not to look like a fool just sitting alone.

and i think i gave up right there and then.

it wasn't the fact that he was late that bothered me.
it was that he seemed unconcerned at being not able to keep his word that did it for me.

if one has trouble keeping one's word, what does it say about the person?

can this be a symptom of how one may act in a relationship?

he caught up at the bar just as i was leaving.
i went over and said hi to him before i left.
he probably felt i wasn't too happy because i haven't heard from him after.

serkan did send a message. but i was asleep by then.
and jerome sent one too.

too bad i was asleep!

freedom '90

when it's over

i'm celebrating today as my freedom from a crush i've held on for so long.

i bid my affection for captain a good farewell.

i am no longer trapped.

i am free.

even dykes love gay male porn!

i've known about straight women liking gay male porn for a while.

but even lesbians too!?
what the fuck?

i should ask my lesbian friend what she thinks of gay male porn.

to read more about this fascinating phenomenon, click here.

dicks rule!

am i?

Trey, you're the Sweet Side Of Sexy

You don't make a big deal about your sexuality but you're also not purposely hiding it either — two traits that naturally draw people to you.

You've got an understated zest for life and all its pleasures and tackle each day with spirit. As a teenager, were you maybe a little on the quiet side?

We wouldn't be surprised, but underneath your quiet exterior you have an undeniable sweetness that attracts people who see that special something and want to see a little more.

Is it the way you dress? Your laugh? The way you speak up at just the right time during a meeting?

Those who know you intimately can't wait to uncover more. Because underneath that innocent smile you've probably got a few little secrets.

But you'll never tell. Or will you?

http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=sexy2ogt&c=50652

on relationships and lobotomies

yes, i admit it.
i slept with serkan to forget about captain's unrequited feelings.

it did work. i've mostly gotten over captain.

and it got me thinking. is there a way to forget your crush?

i quickly typed in "how to forget a crush" on the handy google search bar of my firefox.

the first entry was from wikihow. intriguing. and so i clicked.

various how-to's were listed.

avoid your crush.
accept that you were rejected by your crush. ouch.
look for his negative traits.
meet new friends.

i think i took the last option.

do i regret it? not really.
serkan is a nice guy.

i went out with some friends saturday night and hit the clubs.
well, one club in particular. it was packed.
lovers of friends were there.
and friends of lovers as well.

it was fun for a while. some cute guys. some danced with me. some rubbed up against me.

the euphoria didn't last long.
i'm not really the bar-hopping type.
or maybe i've just evolved past being a regular bar-resident.

or maybe i'm looking for something more solid than a one night stand.
the bars aren't the best places to look for those kind of relationships.

or is it just that i'm too old-fashioned to want that?

or maybe we've all gotten too spoiled by the availability of (hot) men, that we are incapable of deciding and settling?
because once we do decide to settle, we might miss a better one.
is this it?

in a world where options are everywhere, is it safe to settle?

or should we forget the relationship part and instead, just enjoy and have fun?

bottoms up

since i usually take challenges head on, i revisited serkan.

lying on his bed, a little sleepy, a little bored, and a little frisky.

and this time, the pain was minimal.

i managed to enjoy it.

i still smell of him.

gotta shower.

abso-fuckin-lutely!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.

"There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

- Carrie Bradshaw, 2004.

trey and the city

in anticipation of sex and the city, i decided to review the beloved series.

and i rediscovered a little of myself in each character.

i'm a little bit of miranda. because like her, i can be cynical when it comes to love.

i'm also a bit of charlotte. well, mainly for her decorating style.

yes, my room is mostly white and very much minimal. a little bohemian, a little resort-like, and still city-chic (to me, and hopefully not shitty-chic to others).

samantha is the one i'm most like. well, she's the one i want to be most like. she makes me laugh, she's tough, she's vulnerable, human, and she's so fucking wise. as my good friend tony from palau would say, "samantha is just a gay man trapped in a woman's body."

that guy is probably me.

and oh, carrie. yes, i'm also like you. i'm scared of getting involved with complicated men. and yet i do. i make mistakes.

i'm not one character. i am the whole show.

abso-fuckin-lutely.

serkan: re-deflowering trey

it was dusk.
he was waiting for me, just like he said.
he motioned for me to follow him.
and through a labyrinthine route we took.

he led me into his den.
it was humid.
i was sleepy, a little feverish.
i slept a little, curled up beside him on his bed.

i woke up later with a leg wrapped around me and my hand trapped under him.

he teased me with his heavy leg, hairy and thick.
i tried to release my hand, but it only served to make him hard.
he smelled of overnight perfume, stale cigarette smoke, and light sweat.

we started going at it like a couple of teenage boys after a liquor-filled party.
clothes came off - skin touched skin - and his hairy, beefy body inflamed my senses.
he placed me on top of him as his stubble grazed my nape while i licked his ear.

his finger slowly crept into my crevice while he pushed me down to his engorged cock.
it was huge, thick, big, and hard.
so thick, my fingers couldn't meet.
so big i nearly choked from sucking it.
and he was aggressive.

"shhh, we can't make any noise. the walls are thin."

he suddenly turned me over to my side.

"let me fuck you."
"no, wait, i don't do that."
"please, i'll be gentle."
"i'm not letting anything that big get inside me."
"come on, just the head please?"

i didn't have much choice as he grabbed my hands and inserted his monster meat in me.
i felt as if my whole being was torn in two.
he muffled my cries as he slowly pushed the big, bloated head in.
we were sweating bullets by this time.

he moaned as the head popped in.
and he started his dance, moving and writhing and pulling me with him into his sensual rhythm.
on our side, with me on top, him on top, and me on all fours.
pushing, shoving, trying to get it in.
it was too painful.
only the head ever got in.

i must've lost track of time.
it's almost 45 minutes.
he's about to come.
but for the life of me, i couldn't get hard.
the pain obliterated the pleasure.
i bit the pillow to keep from screaming.

and then he came, splashing all over me.
the slickness of our sweat mixed with his expelled seed.

my hands shook as i wiped myself dry.

and cursed myself for allowing my beloved cherry to get popped again after being intact for more than 10 years.

kisses, carresses, and loneliness

i miss kissing.
just kissing. nothing sexual. just plain old kissing.
the sensations, the tastes, the smells.

it's nice to cuddle.
it's nice to be touched.
nothing sexual. but affection from the other person is enough.

i'm just emotionally low today.
just not my best day.

i just want to curl up in bed and sleep.

Aphrodite's Erotic Soup

Aphrodite's Erotic Soup courtesy of the queer chef

Ingredients

1 whole courge or squash diced
1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
Moringa leaves already plucked
A dozen of big prawns
Fresh or canned coconut milk
3 cups of water
1 ginger sliced and squashed
1 garlic clove chopped
1 onion bulb chopped
Salt and pepper

In a deep pan, fry the diced courge, prawns, chopped garlic, onion and the ginger with the vegetable oil. Once the prawns turned pinkish or red pour the three cups of water and let it simmer until the courge are bit soft.

Apres mash the courge to make the soup a bit thicker while stirring it. Add the coconut milk as well as salt and pepper to taste. Then let it simmer for another 5-10 minutes adding the plucked moringa leaves before serving. Voila! You are done with Aphrodite’s Erotic Soup!

Serves 4-5 persons.

a different sunday

i woke up very early today.
i haven't had much sleep, yet i don't feel tired.
strange.

it must be from that fantastic massage i had last night.

definitely worth the trip.

i must go back soon.

*smile*

it's mother's day.
my mom passed away 11 years ago.

we were not very close, she and i.
it was a very complicated relationship.
although, i must admit, i inherited many of her characteristics - both good and bad.

i received a message from captain.
his mother has been admitted to the hospital.
again.

in a decidedly uncharacteristic act, i told him i would light a candle for his mom's health.
and even stranger, i did.
at cebu cathedral.
along with a candlelit prayer for my mom as well.

am i liking him too much?
will i end up getting hurt?
most likely yes to both.

but life's too short to be restrained.

anticipation

i can't wait to start working out again.

it has been more than a year since i've stopped going to the gym.

and now, i will be exercising again!

as soon as slimmer's sm opens.

i am grinning.

i am so excited!

maybe i will finally achieve that body i've been dreaming of for so long.

plus, having captain assist my supplement selection is a big factor.
he'll be instrumental in achieving my ideal body type.
though i'm a bit toned by a bit of yoga, nothing beats pumping iron!

i smile

oh, captain.
you make me smile when i think of you.

you bring me back to my teens.

giggling, blushing, grinning for no reason.

and in my deluded mind, we might be meant to be.

when i saw you online after posting about you, i knew it.

we were meant to be.

never mind that i might be hallucinating that you feel the same way about me.

never mind that friendship is all you have to offer at the moment.

never mind that you like a girl.

i still like you, despite, in spite of, and because of.

i like you.

loving from afar

tony just left to work in dubai, leaving behind his lover.

i can only imagine the feelings those two must have had during the whole time.

i asked him a week ago if they would still be together after he left.

he just shook his head and said he didn't know. aw.

relationships can be complex. and they can also be simple.

except that i'm not the best person to answer that. hehe!

it reminded me, strangely, of my newest favorite series pushing daisies.

if you were granted a relationship full of everything you hoped for with the person you've always dreamed of - except that you will rarely touch (or see) each other (if at all) - would you go for it?

it's a question that boggles the mind.

on to lighter things. i've been battling flu, coughs, and cold for 3 days now. i hate it.

it didn't get better that i had to be at a welcome-to-cebu dinner for a dear friend and a despedida after for tony going on until 3 in the morning. yes, i am to blame for that. but it's not often that it happens.

and so i suffer the consequences.

this is one of those days i wish i had that someone special to keep me company in bed.

oh captain, wherefore art thou?

hahaha...

powder on a little self-love

sunday morning found me with a bikil that needed a little hilot.

thank god it got the massage it needed in the afternoon, now i feel better. and i just need to rest.

with nothing much to do except download music and perhaps download a little bit of porn (hehe), i find myself browsing through handwriting analysis sites while listening to tracks which include garbage's cherry lips, beverly knight's coulda woulda shoulda, and goo-goo dolls' black balloons .

i blame gina for getting me hooked on these tests. hehe!

besides, who doesn't like or even love these things?
they appeal to the ego. well. my ego.
most tend to be sugarcoated.
i found one that's more honest.

so this one is for me to remember and improve upon.

you are straightforward in your approach and know your mind basically.
you can handle any situation with your poise and maturity.

you are active and basically impatient due to which you act impulsively without much consideration.
you may also be prejudiced. (er, yes, i can be. sometimes.)

you are an easygoing kind of person, but that does not mean that you are least concerned.
you seek recreation and work on equal scales. (TRUE!)

you being permissive, handle money and events of life munificently. (munificent means generous, which i found in an online thesaurus.)

you are cautious, such that you think several times before taking an action or starting a new venture. (hello, libra!)

you project just a part of yourself to the world, letting them know your ideas and thoughts a limited extend.

you are an active person who is a quick thinker and efficient.
but, you also tend to be restless and impatient. (that's true.)

you are a dependable and trustworthy person.

you are not very ambitious and hence, do not keep your goals very high. (hehe! guilty.)

you handle criticism with your cool temperament and dignity.

you have reasonable keenness in the task you undertake.

you like to remain secluded and do not enjoy limelight.

you are least concerned about gratifying the world and rather look forward to your own contentment through the completion of your task. (ahem. yes, i agree.)

you believe in exacting and being accurate.

you are an extrovert and hence, like to socialize with the people. (yet i shun the limelight. huh?)

you show keen interest in learning new things. (you bet!)
you love to explore the ever-changing world. (hell, yeah.)

you are contented and material pleasures do not concern you. (um, really!?)

you lack vital strength of mind and will to accomplish you work. (aawww.)

you are flexible and practical which works to your advantage.
the balance outlook of yours helps you adapt yourself according to the crowd.

http://www.truthstar.com/graphology/free_graphology.asp

and how do you write?

got this from gina's blog.
this is so funny.

yet so true!


Trey is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart-rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes.

Trey will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Trey an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart-rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Trey is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Trey is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Trey doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

When Trey expresses an opinion on a issue he will stick to that opinion, and probably will not change his mind. In other words... Trey is stubborn. When he is wrong about something that he has decided upon, he will have trouble admitting he is wrong. Changing Trey's mind can be very difficult. Once Trey makes up his mind, he doesn't want to be confused with the facts!

Trey will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell people what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if you don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

Trey can be defiant. He sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way he is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which he thinks are infringing upon his freedom of action.

Diplomacy is one of Trey's best attributes. He has the ability to say what others want to hear. He can have tact with others. He has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Trey can disagree without being disagreeable.

In reference to Trey's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Trey slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Trey can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Trey is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down-to-earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. He finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Trey basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Trey is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Trey has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct, Trey has left some white space on the left side of the paper. Trey fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as he moves down the page. If this is true, then Trey has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Trey is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. Trey is leaving the past behind and moving on to what he perceives as an exciting and enticing future.

http://www.handwritingwizard.com/

damn you

i met mt for the second time last night.

updated each other for a minute.

then our clothes were off.

he was still beautifully rock hard. large muscles in all the right places.

he had shaved for a contest.

too bad he also shaved his face. i love his stubbly chin grazing all over me.

apparently, his girlfriend almost caught him on his way over.
his new girlfriend.
awww.
how sweet of her to be so vigilant.

drove me crazy with his tongue and hands.
arms and legs tangled in a warm heap.
licking, rubbing, and slippery.
rubbing, squeezing, spanking.
he had to put something in my mouth to silence my moans and groans.
*grin*

at least he didn't try to put it inside.
i don't think i could handle anything that big.
seriously. it's been so long ago since i've done that.

then a good long shower together after.
kneading, kissing, and kneeling.
dried each other carefully.

and what is it about me that encourages people to lift me up?

i have been lifted up like a blushing bride within the week by two guys already.
flattering, i guess.

maybe because it's almost june.

haha!

and minus points on mt for branding me.
forcibly and against my will.
kind of sexy and kinky.
but a little sophomoric.
sigh.

why do testosterone-driven aggressive guys have to do that?

at least the marks are not visible while clothed.