til we meet again

a few days ago, i was with rm, introduced by a mutual friend.

rm is younger than me, shorter than me, and very muscular. in fact, he had competed in a recent bodybuilding contest, though he didn't win. it was a shame, though it was pretty obvious to tell that his chances were slim right from the start, considering the bulk of the contestants were in his competitive (short) category. at 5'5 he did cut an impressive figure, with his very broad shoulders and heavily muscled torso that slowly tapered down to his taut six-packed stomach and splayed down to his heavy thighs and legs.

he wanted to meet at a motel, so we did. i fulfilled part of my muscle fantasy. as he headed to shower up, i washed him down. water and soap made our skin deliciously slippery. i stood behind him as we lathered, marveling at the size and hardness of his body. he leaned back against me, my hard cock nestling between the cheeks of his bubble butt.

and so the dance began. it was not tango, it was not waltz, it wasn't even a frenetic dance one would dance with gusto.

it was more like a shuffling of the feet to an awkward beat that soon ended on a low note.

so there we were, in bed. i, on top of his warm body - as he hugged me, suddenly had a thought. this was the second time we had been together, and the second time that it was unexciting. he didn't do much, the sex was not really passionate, nor was there even a foreplay. it was, as samantha jones would term it, a deal-breaker. and then and there i decided, it was over.

though he was hot, he was not mt.

i still crave for mt.

so it was over for rm.

choices

it's always up to you on how you're going to run your life.

run it for good, or ruin it that bad - yes, people will care and try to shift you back to the right track.

but at the end of the day, it's still your choice that matters.

choose what you love, and then love your choice.

goodbye, heartbreak

i've noticed something about me this year.
i've started to mellow. perhaps like some wine, i get better with age?

i hope so. but in a way, i hope not, too. lol!

been away for a while. i've had a crazy year, despite not working. and when i say crazy, i mean bad-crazy.

good things have happened, and even more shiteous things have come up. but, at least i'm starting to be on the mend. in my wildly deluded optimistic mind, i think i am.

i've also had interesting... near-encounters with men. i've had funny and provoking proposals thrown my way. one, an invitation to be a paid escort. another, to be in a threesome. and the usual can-we-have-sex with guys i'm not attracted to. and some girls. am i not that gay yet?

i've also noticed that i've been receiving more signs from the universe. it has enforced my belief that i am walking on the right trail, however hard it may be. it reminds me of the story from a much-loved book of mine, the alchemist. in it, a boy dreams of finding riches and treasures beyond his wildest imagination, and he is determined to make his dream come true. it eventually happens, but not the the usual storyline. during his search for his treasure, he encounters allies, foes, and insights he would not have known if he had stayed at home and forgot about his dream.

and i am that boy, seemingly lost, yet found. confused but determined, knowing and naive, open though vulnerable. and it is with this spirit of new-ness that i've decided to live as though i am a child again. to view each day with wondrous eyes. to remember that yesterday has given me joy and knowledge. to trust in myself. to forgive myself. to love myself.

perhaps one day i shall write about it. but i feel now is not the right time. it is enough that i acknowledge it. for now.

losing my grace

i'm still a bum.
sure, i could easily finagle a job entertaining irate callers at night. i just choose not to.
i applaud call center agents, even though some of them can be irritating.
or maybe i'm just jealous. hehe!

perhaps also that i feel a little more letdown, more than the past few months. you see, i've been dreading december. because this december meant something big: my best friend getting married.

it was a rite of passage that marked adulthood and an apocalyptic ending to happiness. well, to me anyway. i was happy for her, sad for us. it would never be the same. i hugged her, but i didn't cry. i let her go.

and i hated weddings ever since i was conscious to know what a wedding was. it always seemed so staged, so pretentious to me. and i was often one of those in the procession of the entourage. i nervously waited each time for someone to discover my guise and exclaim "faker!"

i often skipped weddings and wedding receptions of friends. i know, that sounds terribly rude. but it was just depressing to find that with every year, your friends become one of those couples who cannot function without their mate by their side.

you've seen those. wives possessively holding on to their man, shooting daggers with their eyes, and teeth bared in a strange grimacing expression of warning and supposed love to the audience. oh, sorry. i meant, to their friends. husbands, once hot guys, drinking beer, reminiscing bachelor days, their bellies as round as a pregnant woman's, leading one to wonder if it is possible for human men to be like male seahorses.

however we try to sugarcoat it, there will always be that line between the marrieds and the unmarrieds. couples end up flocking together, like noah's ark of twittering twosomes. i envy them. i want to twitter too, even though it might be for a few times.

inevitably, i end up being the unmarried person in our circle, subject to so-when-are-you-getting-married style of questions. perhaps they don't get it yet.

and i end up saying "i don't believe in marriages." to a table of married friends. whoops!

i love my married friends, i really do, but i think they've become cult members of the married market. they can't be as free as before, going out for a little bite and a few drinks later. no. they have their husbands and wives and children to think of now.

i brought my lesbian friend to the wedding reception. and for the night, we were supposedly straight to those who didn't know.

the wedding was beautiful, and the reception was even more so. even i, jaded and cynical of such gestures, found it really fabulous and touching and wonderful. so i guess there might be hope for me yet!

i hugged my best friend, her family and relatives, and finally shook the hand of her husband before my date and i left the reception.

in one day, with one rite, with one kiss, i had lost her to him.

so i did what any guy who lost a girl would do: swallowed and guzzled too many drinks at a bar with a lesbian friend, laughing and babbling incoherently as the night drew to a close.

er, well, maybe it's just me.

take a bow

i finally understand what got me so riled up.

it seemed to me that the person who replied (a touch cuntily to my comment by broaching on internet filtering / policing, and that my blog has too many pictures of gorgeous nude men, thereby inducing minors to become horny, resulting in them seducing "innocent" adult gay men), was in essence saying that the adults get a free pass, all because the minor was the seducer.

again, wtf???

is he saying that it was all the minor's fault for provoking the adult to lustful actions?

therefore, the blame is on the minor, and not on the adult?

holy crap.

this is the kind of thinking that gets me.

as adults, we are responsible for our own actions.
we should know what to do.
shouldn't we?

never mind that the minor was the one who made the first move.

the adult shouldn't encourage it.
nor should the adult make the first move, or any succeeding moves.
at all.

what if it were to happen to their children? to their relations' children? to friends' children?
would they sing a different tune?

we know what's wrong and what's right, and given that we lean towards the good, we should firmly discourage sexual invitations from minors.

are we that weak, that cowardly, that irresponsible to blame others for our actions or reactions???

if one ends up blaming the minors as the instigators, and they the adults as the victims, who has the more responsibility to know what is right and wrong?

who becomes the adult?

my god.

and i think it was just less than five who protested it.
the rest seemed agreeable.
i was disappointed, horribly so.

i think it's time to start thinking of leaving that group and its strange sense of morals.

first, it was the group owner who cried "stop your faggotty ways!", and now this seemingly indifference towards adults having sex with minors.

viva la loca.

a rose by any other name

i've always known i was a little bit pickier than most people i know.

which is not always necessarily a bad thing.

some call it eccentricity, some call it flaky, some prefer the term obsessive compulsive (oc).

i just realized something. a breakthrough, perhaps.

an opinion from a reader got me thinking. perhaps i should've answered yes. yes to my married crush.

but i don't know if it was said in jest, as we often joke around with each other. and i've always thought married men would make horrible choices as boyfriends. or perhaps i am spoiled to the point that i've made up a romanticized list that makes up an ideal relationship.

i know relationships can be messy. tedious. difficult. and time consuming. but that's human.

so while i am ticking off checklists for the ideal, i may be missing out on having an actual relationship. aha. this is the breakthrough.

i read kasper's blog, and i admire him for having the courage to do what i would not: to pursue a relationship, regardless of the complications it presents.

i don't think i could ever do what he does. he hangs out with his bf's girlfriend. in his shoes, perhaps i would've immediately gone temporarily insane from insecurity and jealousy. sleeping over with the two of them? unthinkable for me. i am not that strong.

which is a funny thing, because like kasper's man, my married crush is also a massage therapist. is this an epidemic i notice? gay men falling in love with (straight/gay/bi) masahistas. it reeks of a tagalog digiqueer film.

another thing which i find hard to do is the secrecy factor. i don't think i have the guts to stay hidden for so long. i think i would have wanted to shout out to the world that the guy is my boyfriend, and i wouldn't have cared less what others thought.

strength is not always about being brave. it can also mean surviving for something worthy.

what should i have said?

"kita, kanus-a man sad ta ma-uyab?"

- as asked by a certain married crush.

more, more, more

i just came from a wedding reception. well, it was a more intimate reception than the usual.

the wedding was at 7:30 in the morning. formal reception at lunch. then a more informal reception at dinner.

then the inevitable question came. when are you getting married and having kids?

precisely why i avoid weddings.

for one thing, i don't like children. and yes, i'm still single. and no, i want a husband, not a wife.

the past few days have been serendipitous. while enriching the back story of my humanoid demon character, i came upon a greek god's tale that echoed his story. so i am going to use the greek god angle. and lord knows i love greek myths. i'm surprised i didn't think of it sooner.

i'm up to page 33. i'm not so happy with the way the story has been unfolding, and i think i shall be editing the next few days.

please don't stop the music

"he wants to do a threesome with you both."

macky the messenger slurred out the words to me and b.

the words, like the cold air outside, hit me.

i grinned.

three hours earlier:

it was b's second vacation night.

bubz, b, and i were at the bar.

normally restrained, i had become b's accomplice on the dancefloor.

writhing, grinding, pulsating to the thumpa-thumpa.

and that's how we had gotten the attention of a few guys.

our twosome became three, four, five.

it was just a little too crowded for my taste, so i moved to the side to watch the show.

b was quite the belle of the ball.

belts coming undone, jeans getting unzipped, hands exploring inside, lips touching skin.

the girl beside me craned her neck to look at what was going on.

bubz and i looked at b in the middle of it all and we grinned.

"to celibacy!"

b finally came up for air, took a look around, and decided it was time to leave his playground.

that's when macky the messenger caught up with us and gave us the message.

"he" was the guy b had been dancing with.

i held macky by the shoulders and looked at him in the eyes.

"tell him i'm flattered, but not tonight."

macky turned to b. i didn't hear b's reply, but i could guess as much as macky stormed off.

and that's how bubz, b, and i left doce.

spinning around

while enduring a bout of the flu, i popped qaf in the dvd player.

and came across an interesting premise.

should sex happen between friends?

or should sex happen with just recently-made acquaintances?

sure, sex with a friend can be special.

but there is the history too.

is it easy to cross over the boundaries of friendtown into the streets of sexville?

and what about lovers?

do you make them your friends? or do you keep them as just that - a good fuck?

friendsex - truth or consequence?

i hate the flu.

it makes me think too much.

a different kind of love song

sometimes, it takes a view from afar to closely appreciate what you have in life.

it could be a cousin's failing studies.

it could be a friend's household concerns.

it could be a lover's financial conditions.

it could be realizing that youth is slowly, slowly strolling by.

i've realized i've been blessed with what i can deal with.
nothing less, nothing more.

i know that what i have right now, are what i need at the moment.

and what i will need in the future, will come to me when it is right.

when it's over

i'm celebrating today as my freedom from a crush i've held on for so long.

i bid my affection for captain a good farewell.

i am no longer trapped.

i am free.

a clash of colors

i was chatting with captain b through ym. for me, he was basically perfect. he is tall. dark. handsome. beautiful physique. sharp mind. intelligent. except there's something about the two of us that says we can never be. chemistry.

he's had 3 boyfriends already. the last one broke his heart when he left captain b. because they're miles apart. they lasted almost a year. a year of long distance relationship.

which brings me to some reasons why he will just remain my crush and obsession.

we have different senses of humor.
i irritate him with what i think and say.
he sometimes irritates me with what he thinks and says.

our personalities are on opposite wavelengths.

but i still like him the same.

and yes, we're just friends. so cliche. so sad. it's pathetic.

i swore i wouldn't post lyrics as much as i can... there are always exceptions to every rule.

We all lead such elaborate lives
Wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
Days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me

I don't want to live like that
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to love like that
I just want our time to be
Slower and gentler, wiser, free

We all live in extravagant times
Playing games we can't all win
Unintended emotional crimes
take some out take others in

Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to live like that
Too many choices tear us apart

I don't want to love like that
I just want to keep your heart
May this confession be the start

I know you'll give me courage
to face what I must face
with all these complications
in another time and place

captain b, this is for you.

because you'll always be beyond reach.

pre-relationship blues

a full moon.

cool sea breeze.

the gentle sound of waves lapping against the shore.

what was missing?

a boyfriend.

listening to aida doesn't help.

sigh.

streets

reading various posts and hearing of various relationships gone awry made me think. are relationships between straight couples easier than between gay couples?

and what happens when a gay relationship crosses with a straight relationship to create a bisexual situationship? who wins, and who loses?

would you leave your man if he suddenly chooses to be with a female lover too? what if he starts a family with his female lover? what would be your last straw?

what if your man goes out on dates? would you rather be lied to, or would you prefer to know the details?

to be the martyr or to be the traitor? to be the guide or the adventurer? to stay still or to take flight?

navigating through life is no easy task, specially when the road you take turns and twists. some with warning signs and cautionary tales. rarely do we get to see the overall directions for a particular area. when we walk, when we run, when we stroll, do we stop and admire the sights? or do we rush off to the nearest corner or street for a new beginning?

we hope we never get robbed in a dark alley. we hope to find comfort in the kindness of strangers if we do get robbed.

have we stayed too long at a street party? or have we never enjoyed one?

do we look at other people in the eye while walking?

do we smile? do we sing a song? what happens when it rains?

pedestrians in life. traveling through the maze of the city of life, sometimes alone or with other people. some stay with us shorter than we want them to, and some stay longer than we want them around.

either in the fast lane or along the meandering path, we continue to tread. where is the final destination? some may already know. most do not. not yet.

the answer lies in the questions we ask ourselves. what is important in life? love. respect. faith. and why? what great truth lies beyond our answers?

the path we travel, whether we like it or not, is almost always paved with the choices we make.

there are no right or wrong choices. because the result of the choices help us become who we are.

maybe, at the end of that journey, we will find something we never expected.

a mirror.

will we like what we see?

gaydar

i took the test at ok cupid... and scored 70. twice. i think i suck at gaydar. but then again, it said i guessed better than 60% of those who took the test. calls for a celebration. i think. hehe.

anyway, finally had the guts to do the garage sale i've been planning for months. after getting harried and hassled to do an impromptu sale today. at least my beloved shirts and pants and accessories will find good homes. and my first sale was today. good omen. mj ran out of money. hahaha! and yehey!

my back's killing me. hello yoga thai! i miss you already.

and i got dvd's of justice league unlimited and elizabeth: the golden age. woohoo!

just spoke briefly with mj during his spree. big whore has been sexless for a week. and meanwhile, i'm sailing through months. and i had to hear him complaining of lack of sex. pwede ba? i just wanna smash his head in. forces of the universe, grant your humble servant the gift of hot hunks! hm. amen.

where do these men come from? or am i too picky? i know the answer already. yes, i am picky. sigh.

maybe because i've seen how gay couples work out? seen and heard it all. and always with the requisite cheating. am i so archaic to imagine monogamy still exists? or should i continue to shut my heart up and become emotionally unavailable and be jaded to the idea of fidelity? or are relationships a thing of the past? is it now situationships (thanks to corporate closet for the term)?

i remember a scene in qaf. michael found out that he'd been cheated on. and bryan tells him men cheat because they're men. i guess there is a point there.

we always want we can't have.

now i've become so serious. cheer up. it's the weekend!

now to shower and change.