hung up

5:04 am, july 13 2008.

sitting at the curbside of mango square is not the way i intended to spend time.

waiting for someone to arrive from an illicit tryst is no problem for me.

hell, i introduced the two of them.

doesn't matter when they run off to play games.

it becomes a problem when that person does not have any courtesy or consideration to let me go early when clearly, i was just a landing dummy meant to cushion the afterglow of showersex.

i was expecting an earlier arrival to cap off the night.

but no.

instead, upon arrival of the said person from his tryst, i was told to go home.

after waiting for over two hours.

enduring possible theft and curious trannies and widemouthed yawns.

i was pissed off. fuck. i still am pissed off.

then i thought, am i being too selfish here?

isn't the night for him?

am i being too much of a drama queen?

a totally egocentric asshole?

but then again, another thought struck me. aren't we all selfish at the core?

self-preservation is, after all, the name of the game.

why should friends be any different?

just because i waited for nothing, i shouldn't expect a medal for doing so, right?

was it because i expected too much from someone that i ended up getting emotionally hurt?

no, i'm not pissed because i'm cranky from being sleepy and hungry waiting.

i'm pissed because there was no consideration coming to me.

i'm not some groupie, waiting for some rock star to finish fucking just to be told to go home.

god. maybe i am. am i that pathetic?

is there any gay rule when it comes to these kinds of scenarios?

i never should've let my guard down.

the ones who usually hit the hardest are the ones dear to you.

perhaps i should go back to being my former skeptical self, where emotions are rare and should be ignored.

at least i won't feel anything.

i'm pissed.
i'm tired.

maybe i was right all those years. keep people out of your heart.

that way, they'll never have the power to hurt or disappoint you.

and not to expect anything from people at all. most of all your loved ones.

i haven't slept yet.

being pissed off really does give you more energy.

i haven't slept much lately.

i think i sacrificed too much of myself lately.

i hope i'll mend. i know i will.

but the scar will always be there, burning a reminder to myself.

and for this, i am glad.

i always try to look at things for lessons learned.

this is one of the bigger lessons.

5:27 am, july 13 2008.