of phobias and promises

i admit it. i have a fear of dentists. and heights. and drowning.

dentists, because the first dentist i knew put his whole hand in my mouth, sans the gloves. i could taste the disinfectant. and he had a tendency to smack his assistant on the ass. to his credit, many of today's dentists admire his skill. may his soul rest in peace.

i think i am beginning to recover from dentists. finally had a good dentist. we were introduced a long time ago, but i never did go see him. because i was scared and lazy.

i've always been scared of heights. i get weak in the knees. and not in a good way. i remember going to this building in manila. they found me sprawled on the floor - freaking out - when i got a view from the floor-length glass wall. which faced directly down to the traffic. 30 stories below. or the cable cars in ocean park. with the glass bottom. hanging on a ravine. rocking to and fro because of the high winds. i am gripping the keyboard as i type.

recent solution to fear of heights and drowning: parasailing.

and who doesn't have a fear of drowning? i went scuba-diving one time. below 20 feet. heart pounding furiously. suspended in sea water. neither treading or swimming. merely floating. but it was the sea creatures that made me forget my fear. fish-feeding in a marine sanctuary was definitely fun, and such a great situation to confront my fear.

it sure feels great to face fears.

old age. hurt. loneliness. emptiness. sadness. just some of my other fears. it feels good to list them down. because i don't want them to dwell in me. someone told me once that to list things down is a way to let them go. to free one's mind and soul.

i strive to let go. and i see them off not with resentment, but with gratefulness. because i have learned to accept them and free them. life is meant to live with joy.

i commit to find joy wherever and whenever i am.